life seen thru the eyes of a neurotic 20 something gal in search of something, nothing, and everything....but not all at once...I think.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

My 15 minutes of fame

Today is hectic. I arrive at the store at 6:30 am to walk through the floor and gather my thoughts. The camera crew is supposed to arrive at 8:30 am to film. My stomach is in knots and I feel like my heart is in my throat. I am nervous. It is Wednesday and I have already worked 50+ hours. They finally arrive. Turns out reality tv isn't all that real after all. After a quick meeting, my boss volunteers me as the "host" or on camera guinea pig. I vow aloud I will never forgive such an act, in spite of an offer for free lunch. This sucks. So I do the song and dance for 2 freakin' hours. Exhausted, I sign a release form, which, in plain english, I am certain means I just sold my soul to Satan at this point. Everyone is excited and can't wait to watch it. All I can think is holy shite....everyone is going to see my monstrous ass up close and my big black circles. Ugh. Sorry, if I can't get excited about it, but I am way too self conscious to feel otherwise.

On a lighter note...I saw bagel boy and we had our morning flirtation. I played the smile card one more time. He had a hearty smile for me too. I feel so much better being girly and lighthearted after the chaos of the past few hours. As I am walking back to my store, I find myself wondering what it would be like to see him outside of the bagel shop. Would he be as witty and charming as he is in the shop? What kind of things would we talk about? Foolishness...pure foolishness. The best part of the day was my fifteen minutes of fame in the bagel shop and not in front of the camera for the Discovery Channel. Am I lame?

bagel boy diaries: installment #3

In the midst of prepping for a tv taping in my soon to be famous store, I decided it was time to refocus with coffee and a bagel. I looked like a bus hit me. I was past the point of actually giving damn, which I know is never a good thing when you are secretly lusting for the bagel boy with the blue green eyes and killer smile. I threw on some confidence and marched over to the bagel shop---sans nicotine, makeup, and apparently pride in my appearance.

I can tell from the moment I walk in, today is not a good day for anyone working there, including the bagel boy extrodanaire. No smiles from anyone. One of the gals that accompanied me for my daily breakfast routine chatted casually with me. We ordered and as I approached the counter to pay, bagel boy simply frowned at the employee fumbling behind him. He turned, obviously aggravated, and handed the kid a container. "Whatcha havin' today?,"he mumbled with a sigh. NO SMILE. Odd, I thought. "Where's my morning smile?," I asked politely. "Something must be wrong when you're not smiling." He said tough morning....period.
"Don't you know I need a smile from the bagel guy before I can start my day with a smile too?"

Ladies and gentlemen we have a winner! He looked up, sort a laughed and flashed me a big genuine smile. Is that so? Sure it is, I say. I grab my cup of coffee and say now that's better. I smile at him and he smiles again with more enthusiasm. Have a nice day and he offers me the same. At this point, I am positive my damned heart must be beating out of my chest and perspiration is soaking my clothing. Where the hell did that courage come from? I am impressed with myself and, as I leave, smiling like an idiot. WOW.

Needless to say, I was beyond words and simply smitten with my encounter all day. I need to get out more.

Friday, October 21, 2005

The end is near

Yesterday, I went to grab some lunch with my coworkers. I went to the ladies room to wash my hands and touch up quickly. I had worked the truck so my hair was pulled in a taut bun. When I looked in the mirror, I saw the worst thing I think I have ever seen in my life. Not a pimple or a booger hanging out. I saw a gray hair. And let's not joke about this...it wasn't a little one either. It was blatantly gray and just hanging out. My jaw was on the floor and after careful comtemplation, I hastily pulled the hair out. Son of a bitch you lil' bastard. At that very moment my education, ethics, experiences all vanished. I was simply a vain 20 something standing in the bathroom with tears welling up thinking oh my god...I have a gray hair!! I have never been more appalled in my life. Ok, well maybe but that's a story for another time. I felt like someone delivered a drop kick to my ego and my heart. Gray isn't distinguished or a sign of wisdom. It's F-ing old. The dark circles I can handle. The not getting my ID checked at a bar or even questioned when ordering a drink I can handle. The gray hair....that I cannot. Thus, this morning I made an emergency call to my hairstylist dire for an appointment. I am currently awaiting my turn to become a redhead today. Let's hope someone cancels.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Bully on the playground

I was navigating around today and went to check out one of my favorite blogs--finishing law school. The guy that writes it is a very clever man who has a real gift, in my opinion, for hillarious sarcasm. I love it and he absolutely rocks. Ok, back on track. So, he posted a question the other day---is it ok to hate stupid people. He ultimately said yes. I work with the public on a daily basis and simply reinforced his statement. Yes, stupid people suck and it is okay to hate them. Some little bully who had neither balls(posted anonymously) or intelligence (I might add) to appreciate the blog's sarcasm commented quite rudely to both the blogger and myself. All I can say is if you don't like it fine but don't be rude about it. Didn't anyone teach you some God damned manners? Apparently not. If you happen to read my blog---get a life. The blog is sarcastic and quite hillarious if you had a sense of humor. Simpleton.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

New strain of man announced

Attention fellow single females: a new strain of man recently surfaced. As a woman, I feel it is my solemn duty to warn you. This new strain is an odd cross between macho and gay femininity. I call this the girly macho man. The girly macho man is testosterone driven and a "sensitive" human being as well. The two personalities do not necessarily fit well together and can often lead to one extreme or the other. Let us observe one particular case.

Last week in the midst of chaos and extreme tension, the girly macho man made an appearance. Granted this was the not the first time I had come into close vicinity with this odd species. About two months ago, I had to reprimand an employee. I pulled him into my office to have a "discussion" regarding the severity of his behavior and its possible immediate consequences. The response was something I, as a woman, was completely unprepared for. He began to sniffle and the sniffle turned into tears. The tears turned into sobs and I stood there simply flabbergasted. Oh my God...he's crying. I tried to comfort him and after many apologies, he assured me he would be on top of it. I felt bad at first. Am I so callused I can't handle seeing a grown man cry? I shook it off and chalked it up to stress and the like.

This week with the stress of the corporate visit compounding the entire staff, I must say I was somewhat brash. I didn't want complaining or slacking. I was working my ass off and I needed everyone else to follow my lead without excuse. This particular male, who is often fluffing his feathers and strutting around like a peacock proclaiming his perfection, was complaining about something or other. When he asked my opinion, I replied I don't want to know what's achy or hurting or bruised or how tired you are. I am tired, achy, bruised, and put in 20 more hours than you and I'm not bitching. I obviously rubbed him the wrong way because he proceeded to shoot me dirty looks the remainder of the morning. He finally walked up to me and stated he had something to say. It was difficult and he believed in the "open door" policy I had established in our workplace. Then the tears started. You hurt my feelings. You made me feel like I wasn't a valuable employee and the tears again turned into sobs. I apologized and explained the stress on myself and the team, etc., etc.

This particular example is accompanied by the infamous boyfriend who was more sensitive than a PMSing woman. He could hang with the boys but got his feelings hurt when I sat across from him and not next to him at a social function/gathering. There are several more examples I could give to validate this new species, but I digress. (I love that--I digress!!) What the hell happened to men who were men and didn't cry at the sign of a broken nail? Do they no longer exist? Have we finally brainwashed the male species? Are we a society filled with super sensitive cryababies that indulge themselves as much as women do?

Perfect case in point is the metrosexual---the modern male who is unafraid of waxing, facials, and braves the mani/pedi without flinching. These straight men are praised and women are both impressed while perplexed. Regardless, I am fed up. Stop being a pussy and suck it up. I don't cry when someone eats my wheaties and neither should you. Men should be men and leave the crying to women or better yet, newborns. Be gruff and only show your sensitivity when it is necessary to win the gal or show your human side. Refrain from crying at the drop of a hat. Women beware of these men. I fear their sensitive/macho tendincies can only further hamper your ability to function as the girly girly you are meant to be. Further research is in progress and I encourage you to inform me of such occurrances so we can fully investigate this species :)

Sunday, October 16, 2005

bagel boy diaries continued

All day yesterday I was a wreck. I was so nervous about this stupid visit I didn't know what to do with myself. I knew it was going to go just fine but it's that unnerving feeling in the pit of your stomach. The one that makes you feel like you're going to barf. I couldn't sleep the night before and the stress had simply killed my appetite. I arrived at work ready for my Big Gulp of coffee and like every other day, made my way to the bagel shop.

My co-worker went with me and of course, the hottest bagel boy in Houston was behind the counter. I was in full professional get up with the hair and make up to match. Can't look like a slob in front of the BIG BOSS. Sam and I are admiring the feast of men behind the scenes while we order breakfast for the crew. I go to pay and bagel boy's eyes pop a little and a smile spreads across his face. I have made a good impression, I think. I smile and pay and he says nothing. I wait for my coffee and he said oh yeah...the small one, huh? I must've frowned when I said no because he laughed and pulled out the big cup. I know silly, he said. He reached out to hand it to me and then pulled away when I reached. Cute, but by then I was a MILLION shades of red. I finally laughed and said hey now, don't mess with a girl's coffee. That's dangerous. He handed me the cup and said have a nice day. My stomach did a flip. Sam and I agree there is a small amount of chemistry brewing. Promising.

The corporate boss finally came and was pretty fantastic I must say. Very down to earth and sympathtic to our needs as a store. That's always nice. Sometimes you get these corporate nuts who have never been in the field. They have all these notions of what works (in theory) and how it applies to every store they visit. The best part was that my co-worker and I (the store managers) really got some well deserved pats on the back. We work hard and I know I feel like it goes unnoticed every once in awhile. Our corporate visitor made sure she said we had done a fabulous job and that, I know, we both appreciated. Thank god it's over and we can resume life as normal. As for the bagel boy, that remains to be seen....

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Saturday morning thoughts

Couldn't sleep last night. I have a HUGE visit from my corporate office today and the butterflies they are a stirrin'. This is the first time I will meet our new regional director and have her view my store. I must say I have a really great store. Top in the district and top in the company more often than not. So much to remember. It's weird being the boss. I had this epiphany this morning...suddenly I am a real adult. This is my business and I am the boss. I am the one who makes the big decisions and answers for them right or wrong. YIKES. Just scary now that I am truly thinking about it and all. Funny, how your view of the world and your position/status in it can change from one day to the next. Being an adult means you don't throw a temper tantrum when you don't get to go to Bocktober fest. It means you suck up the responsibilty when someone quits and solve the problem that has thrown you knee deep in shit. Yes, being an adult sucks.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

bagel boy and the bumbling idiot

Everyday I wake up and follow the same routine. I get up, shower, dress and do hair, possibly makeup (depends on my mood). I go to the train and look over paperwork until I get off the commuter to my job. Somewhere in the spanse of 2 hours I do paperwork, a floor walk, and head to get coffee and a bagel. Meduim black coffee and bagel with reduced fat cream cheese. The same almost every day.The sweet looking guy behind the counter always smiles and says when he hands me my coffee and bagel "How's it going today?" We engage in polite conversation and sad as this is I have developed a crush. There's something about his awkward smile and his friendly demeanor. Not the hottest guy in the world just sweet with the most gentle looking green blue eyes. Pitiful....I know.

Today I was stressed. The past week I have had one employee quit, two call out, and a corporate visit to prep for. I went for my morning breakfast and he smiled, again, and asked what was going on. Nothing--just stressed and explained the work thing was just stressful. He smiled I knew something was up.. you weren't smiling today. Oh my God--he notices that I smile. Wait-I smile at him? Don't worry, those things tend to work themselves out, he said nonchalantly. Life is too short to get hung up on the little things. He handed me my bagel and coffee. I felt the blood flush into my cheeks and my eyes darted to the floor. I was flustered and flattered. Basically a bumbling idiot. I melted. Eventually I mumbled yeah and thanks. That smile and those eyes did it for me. He has a great smile. Not too toothy or to small. Just right. Hate to do a comparison, but the ex had a great smile and amazing eyes too. ABSOLUTELY AMAZING.

I think the lack of real human interaction is starting to mess with my ability to think clearly.
To be continued.....

Monday, October 03, 2005

the insomniac diaries

It is so damn late. I have so much to do and so much on my mind. I know I need to be in bed. I cannot fall asleep. I am tired of today. I smoked too many cigarettes inspite of my resolve to quit two weeks ago. I just broke. The fact I cannot breathe due to the allergens in the air did little to curb my insatiable need to smoke. I would like to quit, but whenever the stress comes it's all I can do to keep the food out of my mouth. I feel like some warped broken model of a human because I can't control my own selfish tendencies. This sucks. I feel sick to my stomach and I want to vomit. I want to vomit and cry and then sleep and let the day and worries melt away. I am weird. See what insomnia does to somewhat normal beings. Someone will read this and think wow...she's not all there. I assure you I am. You will continue to read this and say, sure that's what all crazy people say. Any insomniac would understand exactly what I mean. Sheep never help me and a glass of warm milk is simply foul. I suppose I will be doomed, at least for tonight, to watch Nick at Night reruns of something like Roseann and secretly loathe my damned inability to sleep.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

The relief pitcher is MIA

Last night was a restless night. Didn't sleep well at all. I have a tendency to be somewhat of an insomniac when the stress levels rise. The worst part is looking like you're asleep but your mind is still really working. Who is going to fill this and who is going to do that. I am the worst at letting things just be. I get all worked up inside and start to become this monster of a person. I kick into overdrive and it is get it done or get the hell out of my way. I am a self professed overacheiver. I am the best and take whatever steps are necessary to be #1. When the stuff hits the fan, either step up or move outta the way. There are no room for excuses....end of story.

While I realize not everyone is like me, I think sometimes why I am I like this. Why can't I just say someone else can do it? Why do I always feel the need to rise to the occassion? Can I not just let someone else take the responsibility? I feel like I am still 13 trying to make sense of the world. Mom is gone now doing her own thing with someone else and the wash has to get done. Dinner must be made. Homework is due at 8 am. Dad is working and there are two brothers that need to be watched. There is no one else to get this done. I feel trapped and angry. When does someone come in as my relief pitcher at the bottom of the ninth? In the words of the Shib... I get why people medicate.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Nice guys ALWAYS lose

I had an employee that quite frankly...drove me insane. He was a nice person in all reality, but for the kind of place I have I need quick people who can roll with the punches no matter what. I hate to babysit and crack the whip. We are adults in the real world...babysitting is for toddlers and I don't have time for it---PERIOD. I hate to be this bitch but business is business, plain and simple.
Anyway, I am in the middle of prepping for a HUGE visit from my corporate office and will be out for most of this week. So this employee I have been trying to guide and be gentle with under his "special" needs, calls me today to tell me he resigns. Got something better and just couldn't work for me anymore. I bent over backwards to help this prick keep his job and this is the thanks I get!!! Not even a G@# d*#@ notice, just I resign. Then this ass has the nerve to ask, can I still work as holiday help. F&*$! NO!!!! What part of take it up the ass did I not make clear?! Obviously, I am aggravated. I tried to be nice and didn't write him up all the time but now I am just plain pissed off. I feel like being really, really immature. I would like to pull his hair and slap him silly. Here's a nice dose of reality for me compliments of the REAL WORLD. Nice guys always lose. If you ever read this...YOU SUCK.