life seen thru the eyes of a neurotic 20 something gal in search of something, nothing, and everything....but not all at once...I think.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Need I cry more?

I have been crying off and on for what is now 2 weeks. Somewhere between losing my job and having suspicious results that require biopsies, I've lost my capacity to shove all emotions into the nether regions of my soul. I don't like crying. It makes my eyes swell and my nose hurt. It ruins my makeup when ever I decide to schlepp some on. It makes me feel vulnerable and weak. I don't like the way I feel at any point before, during, or after. I've tried running and pills and talking and shaking and laughing and faking. None of it works. I feel like shit is poring thru my insides and destroying everything that I am.

I wonder if anyone can really understand it. Does everyone think that I'm okay? The night before last I went for a run to try to escape my problems. I had this song on and the chorus kept saying I'm miles away. I sat on the stairs and cried some more. That's how I feel. I feel like I am watching all these events unfold as if they aren't mine. But the truth is they are mine. I'm terrified today will be the day the doctor tells me I have cancer. This is the 4th time I've done this. I mean how many times can you escape the ax before it cuts your arm off?

I don't know if I can handle crying in front of a doctor and nurse today. I don't even know if I'll be able to contain it if it starts. I just hope that today is not going to be life altering or any more upsetting than the last few weeks of events. I'm not sure I can handle anything else. I'm not sure I can keep my sanity or composure. I'm definitely not sure just how I will break any such news to my friends or family. Let's hope I don't have to find out either.