life seen thru the eyes of a neurotic 20 something gal in search of something, nothing, and everything....but not all at once...I think.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

The best part of today---run forest run!!

This morning I was rudely greeted by the roommate's cat, Sophie, with a loud meow and over all plea for morning attention. Ugh...I leaned over and glanced at the alarm clock only to realize I was late for my train ride to the commuter bus. I stumbled out of bed and ran out of the apartment as soon as I could. Luckily, I caught the last train to get me on the bus...or so I thought. I quickly ran to the stop only to see the bus pulling away. DAMN IT. Somewhere in the spanse of say 30 seconds, I thought it was a great idea to try and catch the bus that was now 2 city blocks down. I sprinted a couple of blocks and tried desperately to catch it, but the stupid lights kept changing and I continued to get further behind. I WILL CATCH THIS BUS!!! I grabbed my messenger bag and literally broke into a full sprint.

While I would like to think that I am a wonderful size 6 beauty that always works out, the truth is I am a smoker who does yoga and the gym sporadically and far from size 6. My newest resolve was to stop smoking last week and thank god I did. I manuevered around benches, people, and from some skyscraper in downtown Houston, I am positive someone was laughing their ass off. Some 8- 10 city blocks later I caught up with my bus. Mind you it was almost out of downtown too. Out of breath the bus driver simply smiled and said "Trying to get your morning jog?" "Yeah..something like that," I managed to get out in between gasps.

Best part...I could still smile in spite of running downtown in front of tons of people looking like a fool who can't get up when her alarm clock goes off the first time . :)

Monday, September 26, 2005

5 things I learned about me today

1. Driving in the hot Texas sun sucks. Avoid at all costs.
2. Road tripping under the worst circumstances can be a freakin' blast if you have the right companion. (Gotta love my gal Laura!)
3. Smog really does help me breathe better than fresh air.
4. The best friends in the world are those who listen unconditionally and always help you see the bright side when you need it( or agree with you when it down right just blows!)
5. I am the biggest girlie gal in the world and every once in awhile I just need a hug ( in person or on the phone) damn it.

bittersweet homecoming

I packed my belongings together this morning at my dad's house. As I watched the sun come up over the horizon, I do believe my heart did a little leap. I was excited at the thought of coming back home and having my own space and such. The drive was relaxing and we stopped along the way to refuel and simply enjoy the ride through the Texas country. I watched the rolling hills of green spotted with large trees through the window and smiled at the huge longhorns basking in the shade. There were tiny towns that dotted the highway home. The drive, however, was not one of excitement like I had anticipated.

My companion, Ms. Laura, was a wonderful roadtrip pal. She made conversation and we talked about tons of things the whole way home. I must admit, passing through the countryside I felt a little guilty leaving my family in San Antonio. For all the whining I did about the seclusion and feeling so isolated, I did enjoy the time seeing my family. I had not seen most of them for a couple of months. I had a chance to catch up on the family "business," i.e. gossip, as well as spend quality time with family members I truly cherish. I think the thought of not getting to do that for a long time again made me a little down in the dumps to be perfectly honest. More than that, it reminded me of some people I do not have ties to anymore. That always makes me a little blue. Some were old friends, others were exes, and even a parent. While I know I can't change what our history in those relationships was, I can't help wishing that history had been written a little differently. Everyone wants to change something I guess. A bittersweet return in spite of hight hopes.

Saturday, September 24, 2005

reporting from the sticks

Somewhere someone said that the country was supposed to be relaxing and wonderful. A retreat from the hustle and bustle of the city. I am here to say that was all a filthy lie. While this town is not necessarily in the middle of nowhere, america....it might as well be. I grew up in this small town about 25 miles from the city limits of San Antonio, TX. It is, in all honesty, quite beautiful and picturesque to the outsider. Now I clearly remember why I left. I am afraid to say, for any true city dweller this, my friend, is hell.

Yes, I dare say, I have become a spoiled city gal. I enjoy having anything and everything I could ever want at my beck and call. I can grocery shop at 4 am or eat a decent dinner in the city even when the end of the earth is near. Starbucks and the best bagels in Houston are minutes from my apartment. The gym is steps from my front door and the movie theatre is a hop and a skip---literally.

The corn fields are beginning to make my vision hazy and are toying with my sanity. Doesn't anyone here not like the quiet?! I long to hear a siren blaring, or horns honking from traffic. The loud hum of the commuter train or even screaming neighbors. There is absolutely nothing to do here except watch cable tv or sleep. Even my dirty laundry is at my apartment! The fresh air is far too clean for my smoggy lungs. It's a little creepy to really hear birds chirping and people smiling saying hello like they know me. I have officially entered the twilight zone. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. Reporting from the sticks---send help before the straight jacket is a must!!!

Nice to meet you Rita--glad to see you go

Friday--watched the news all day long. Bit my nails to the nubs. I just want this thing to land and be over with. I'm tired--physically and emotionally. At some point I fall asleep on the couch.
Saturday morning--I turn on Headline news. The eye has hit near Sabine Pass and the Louisiana border. THANK GOD. Looks like the city had minor damage and some small emergency outbreaks. I am breathing a sigh of relief. While I was glad to get out of town and be with family, frankly, they are driving me bananas. I miss my apartment and my own belongings. I am used to my city existence. The cows and country are simply not for me. Shouldn't it be against the law to not have decent coffee or real entertainment besides Blockbuster video within a 25 mile radius? Dear God---I am nearing the end of my proverbial wire!!! Civilization PLEASE.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Are we there yet...the thoughts of a tired Houston evacuee

Monday afternoon---I have to admit, when they said a hurricane was headed towards my adoptive home town of Houston, I wasn't the least bit intrigued let alone scared. This city has weathered many a storm and survived.
Tuesday night--As the hurricane becomes a monster in a matter of hours overnight...panic begins to worm its way into my stomach. Still, I am optimistic.
Wednesday morning----fear is now here. Houston is evacuating and my company has ordered me to close my store and leave. I begin the process of securing my store and getting my staff out and safe. It is now hard to remain calm and stay in control of my overwhelming emotions.
Wednesday night--I enjoy a rather eventless dinner with my roommate as we dicuss work and getting our apartment boarded and safe. I am rather concerned about leaving the city. With reports filtering in on the news, it is quite clear I will have to make a decision on whether to stay or go in a matter of 2 hours.
Later on that night---take the necessities: clothes, shoes, and alcohol.
11:30 pm Wed. night-- I have loaded everything I feel is imortant to me and locked the door to my apartment. I fight back the tears. I get in the car and try to remember leaving is the best thing to do.
The journey begins. Smooth sailing down I 59. This won't be so bad. Over the top of the highway I can see red. I realize they are the taillights of hundreds of cars sitting in gridlock. This is going to be fun.
4 am Thursday morning-- Under normal circumstances, we would have been out of the city by 12:30 am. Not the case my friend. We have finally gotten to the outskirts of this city. My friend and I are tired. The road is a parking lot. Stress is high and tempers flare at the drop of a hat. We have seen fights on the shoulders of the highway and fender benders involving lines of cars with weary drivers at the wheel. The gas stations have become small cities with up to 50 cars "sardined" in the parking lot in an attempt to refuel. The lines on the off ramps leading up to these stations stretches for miles. Will we ever get there?
7 am Thursday morning-- We have pulled over at a rest stop to relieve ourselves and my friend's pets. I stretch and stare at the sunrise. Beautiful. If I didn't know better, I 'd say it would be a perfect day for the beach.
10 am Thursday morning--We have arrived at our destination (san antonio). Our first stop: Mexican food and HUGE margaritas. After 11 hours on the road I could give a damn if they think I am a freakin' lush. Second stop: my friend's house to shower and sleep. The remainder of this day is spent re-uniting with my father and brothers and getting some much needed rest.
Today(Friday)--I have sat glued to the television watching the rest of my fellow Houstonians attempt to flee our beloved city. Sadness has overwhelmed me at the thought of coming back to nothing. All I want is for the storm to hit and be over with so we can clean up and rebuild. More thoughts as Rita continues her destructive path towards Houston and the entire state of Louisiana.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Letter to a soldier

Today my older brother flew back home to Tennessee. He brought his wife and kids back to Texas and later this week he is back on a plane to Iraq. While the whole family was able to spend some precious moments with him before his trip to the base, I was unable to. I could have gone. I could have finagled something I suppose. But I didn't. I don't know why. I made an excuse and everyone said it's ok...we understand. You have a life and business to run. It's ok.

Truth is I lied. I just couldn't do that cliche saying goodbye thing. Here is the first sibling to beat the smack out of me and stick up for me. He was the first person to honestly encourage any independent thoughts I had. He made me feel like I was a grown woman and not a pesky kid. I just could not bear the thought of this awkward moment where tears are blinding my vision and there is just silence. I hate that. I hate feeling out of control. The last time I did say goodbye all I could see was my brother sitting in some God-forsaken trench praying he won't be blown into smithereens. And then my vision is blurred and I can't breathe. I feel my heart palpitate and something deep inside me hurts. I hugged him and didn't want to let go. Damn it... I just couldn't do it again.

Somehow, I seemed to think not doing anything made the best sense. I just feel sad and horrible about not getting to say what I meant or felt and I ache inside something awful. I hate this war and all the crap it has brought into my life because it has affected me and my brother in an awful way. He is different in a way no one can understand unless you have been through the horrors of war. The sparkle in his eye is gone and his warm nature has been forever changed since he came back the first time. My prayers are with you and in my heart I hope you know what a wonderful person you are.

from the mind and heart of your favorite sister

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

sleep at last

So yesterday, I woke up and drug myself to work in spite of swollen lymph nodes, a throat so semsitive I couldn't swallow, and red, itchy, watery eyes. Somehow, I made it to work. On the way, i had a sudden epiphany which honestly the more and more I thought, it seemed quite stupid I had never had this realization before. Why the hell am I going to work sick? What possible benefit is there to standing there being a "presence" for my staff. I work hard and too much. I need a day off and should at least take it when my body is falling apart. So I did the unspeakable---I left early. I slept all day yesterday and most of this day away. To be honest, I would sleep more if I could but then I would feel lazy. As if 14 hours is not enough. I feel better. I can swallow, and my body doesn't hurt.

My everlasting thought is now when did I become the workaholic gal that can't even stay in bed with a cold? Is this who I am or what I have become. Scary, and I haven't even hit 25.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

mindless fog

Today started at the crack of dawn, literally. Although there was nothing wrong with the day, there was nothing particularly right about it either. The happenings of the day seemed to linger as if to only annoy me. I am tired today. I want a warm blanket and a quiet house where I can simply veg out. I need some time to unwind. thank god it is going to be friday.

Monday, September 05, 2005

blah blah of a real day off

So today is the first day I have actually had a real day off in about a month. I dreamt of going to the mall to spend my small paycheck, or lounging by the lonely pool with a beer and cosmo. The reality--sitting in my apartment in my pjs eating delivery and cat napping. so much for hanging out and living by the edge. Afraid I have finally been reduced to what I had never hoped to be---the normal Jane. No flying by the seat of these jeans missy. No ma'am.

This is how my day began. I jumped in the shower and to much dismay decided to enjoy this holiday with alcohol. I had pitcher after pitcher and while i whistfully gulped beer after beer, a lot of things became clearer (ironically). I began to realize that putting things on the back burner is never a good thing, especially when it is emotional things. Seems like the past 6 months all i have spent any decent time on is putting my mind on issues that take my mind off my present disparities. The love life that is now non-existent, the diminishing friendships and family members i have discarded for far less important distractions like sleep or work. These days I have no true focus although those around me could swear otherwise.

When did i become an adult and stop all of the fun? I clearly remember the day when friends were abundant and my schedule was jammed packed with events and dates. what happened to all that? That fun, vivacious person has now been replaced by a grandma who no longer pushes the envelope. I am deeply saddened and thoroughly depressed with what I have become. AAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! til next time, I suppose.