life seen thru the eyes of a neurotic 20 something gal in search of something, nothing, and everything....but not all at once...I think.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Sing already damn it!!

As long as I live I will never understand men, but particularly the last one I dated.

I fell into a peaceful sleep after my girl and I had this heart to heart across time zones. It was definitely what we both needed to get us off the ledge yesterday. I found a fabulous dress and 3 too many incredibly sexy heels. I was feeling sane again with my number one fan, Baxter, happily gnawing on a rawhide bone in my bed.

Some hours later the phone rang. Thus began the downward spiral.

I answered it in a sleep stupor only to hear him say she's not going to answer the phone again. He realizes I have in fact pick up, and there is dead air for what feels like an hour but is more like 10 seconds.

After a nasty exchange, I just hung up.

How dare you call me and act so righteous! Let me count the ways you've broken my heart asshole for they are many.

And today I have fallen back off the wagon. I ate my way thru everything I could find. I feel sick and pathetic. Clearly, I still have issues concerning him that I have not worked on.

They say it's not over til the fat lady sings. Can somebody poke that bitch so I can get this over with? I have better things to do with my life.

Monday, June 23, 2008


I like running. I'm not good at it, but I love it none the less. I decided the other day I should try to shave some time off my mile. On average I do about a 15 minute mile. I know...that sucks but I walk some in between. I set the elliptical to 43 minutes and 3 miles. It simulates running better than the treadmill (at least it does to me and I don't get all scared I'm gonna fall and bust out my front teeth in front of some uber hot man in the gym).

At 40 minutes I finished my 3 miles. Not huffing and puffing. Breathing harder than normal and soaked in sweat but otherwise okay. I think I might have heard a hallelujah choir chiming in the background somewhere.

I feel incredible. I amaze myself.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Devastation: thank you

The events of the past few weeks have been traumatic not to mention life altering. When these things were sort of unfolding before me, I definitely wigged out a little bit. I didn't realize it at the time, but that's pretty normal. I've had a lot of time to cry. There's been some thinking mixed in there with running, my personal favorite way to get away from my problems.

I've had time to sleep. I had time to party and time to reflect on just what the hell I'm doing with my life. I've had time to be grateful. I don't think I've ever been happier. I understand it sucks to be looking for a job and to be on a fixed budget. I get it. I feel more rested and comfortable than I ever expected. No bags under my eyes or tense shoulders. In fact, peaceful deep sleep like none I have ever experienced.

I've had the most incredible network of friends and family that have listened to me cry about work and boys and money. They told me it would be okay. Things will all work out.

And you know what?

They are.

Monday, June 16, 2008

baste a little more

He's been calling. And calling. Messages and then no messages.

I vaguely remember a time when I was doing the same thing on his behalf. Somewhat sick with worry and guilt I had done something wrong.

I think I'll let him stew in his own juices a little longer. I know, I know...I'm childish but damn it's so validating. Who said being childish isn't fun?

Friday, June 13, 2008

Deep thoughts from a cheerleader

My gal pal from California and I have this thing going. When ever one of us feels down in the dumps the other will send an email, a text, or a phone call to the other. You rock. Your job will get better. You look incredble even without makeup, post long night o' partying, teeth brushing, etc. A pep talk of sorts to lift our morale and remember we are pretty amazing people in our own right.

I did one of those letters to her the other day. I found myself praising her attributes and saying her man troubles were a bump in the road. I stopped to reread the letter and realized, hey this is a letter to myself too. Sometimes I forget I am all those things.

Oh, Shibbie. Thank G for you. You're therapy for me in so many ways:)

I've got that lovin' feeling

I'm addicted to shoes. I love them. As Toni Collete said to Cameron Diaz in In Her Shoes, they always fit. There's no need to lose another 5 lbs. to make them look better.

I happen to have a huge foot. Comes with being taller, I suppose. Makes finding shoes impossible at times and incredibly frustrating. Regardless, I have acquired quite a little mound of shoes in my 27 years.

I know I have too many shoes. I don't care. I have shoes for running. Shoes for the beach. Shoes to run to the store. Shoes to meet boys. Shoes for lifting my spirits. Ones for making me smile and some for making me feel like a sexy lady.

I added to my collection today. 4 incredible pairs of shoes. Mmmmm. Sexy heels. Ballet flats. Sandals. They beckoned me. Buy me. I NEED you. You NEED me. Take me home now.

I don't think I have a problem.....

Friday, June 06, 2008

A word to the wise

Do not call me at 6 am. You had better be in a major life altering crisis or having your leg sawed off or something like that.

I am not a morning person. Never have been and don't ever expect to be.

I am a monster at that hour so consider yourself fairly warned.

P.S. And call ONLY if you are a friend or family member. Most certainly not an ex boyfriend.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Life after ground zero

Today I found myself smiling and laughing at lunch with friends today. The past few weeks have been so hard to digest. None of those behaviors have felt normal or even scarcely present.

I am grateful. I can still get up and laugh at life, even it is my own.

People say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I'm starting to realize it's really true. There is life after a shit storm. I will get past this and move on to something and someone else. That's enough for me today.

Sunday, June 01, 2008

There are no more left

tears, that is. I got results back and I am cancer free. Thank the Lord above. I am still looking for a job and trying to figure out a lot of things. I went to Las Vegas and tried to blow off some steam. It sort of worked. I found myself thinking a lot about my life and the last couple of years. I came back home and got this huge bombshell from the psuedo boyfriend. I mean I kinda felt it but I ignored it. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. I am nothing more to him than a decent stand in until the bigger better deal arrives, which as of late, was this past week.

I didn't respond when he said he had met someone. I was numb. Then I was pissed off. I thought I might start crying again and nothing happened. That's when I realized I have no tears left. Not even for this. Trust me, I am heart broken. He called today and left a message. I let it ring and deleted his message. I feel empty and sort of lonely and not much else. After losing my job and dealing with the health issues and other things swirling about me, I can't be bothered to care about anything else anymore.

Can someone press the delete button on the last few weeks so I can go back to auto pilot and life again?