life seen thru the eyes of a neurotic 20 something gal in search of something, nothing, and everything....but not all at once...I think.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

A collective sigh of relief

The work craziness is finally over! I am happy to report that even in a delirious, caffeine induced, and sleep deprived state, I rocked it. The big wigs were happy and thought I had a smart way of approaching business. I mean, who the hell could ask for more? I most certainly could not.

And even better news is on the horizon. My oldest and dearest friend from, get this, high school, is considering moving out here with her family. I am so stoked. She and I have known each other for almost 15 years and she's the kinda friend who needs no introduction to your man drama, family nonsense, and other unmentionables. She got into law school and will be coming up here in the next 2 weeks to scout housing, etc. I was so sad when my other super close girlfriend moved away. Don't get me wrong, I was completely happy she was moving on to a new chapter in her life. I was just sad in that totally selfish way when your hiking buddy and Sex and the City marathon watching gal pal moves to the other coast. That being said, no one can replace that dear gal pal of mine...hell we shared some fond, fond memories in the Creek I need not mention:) However, a newer old friend to help pass the time would be, literally, a gift from God.

I'm excited to see how this unfolds. 2010 is turning out to be pretty decent, thus far, if I do say so myself.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

heartbreak warfare

Let me just preface this with John Mayer is a douche. The only man that talks about his bedroom romps is a loser who could never get a girl in the first place at age 16. Either way, the man has insightful lyrics and is indeed talented.

I'm in the middle of prepping for a huge visit from our senior executives this coming week. I was listening to John Mayer's newest single while working on a series of long tedious reports. He says "I dream of ways to make you understand my pain...no one ever really wins at heartbreak warfare....if you want more love, why don't you say so?"

I suppose it was inevitable that I would think about the Greek. He and I were over a long time ago. It just became final because I couldn't keep letting him come back and I couldn't keep taking him back. I loved him. I said despicable things to him the last time we spoke over Christmas because I just needed out. I knew it was wrong but I felt like a caged animal....like he wouldn't let me go. He even asked me, "Why are you being like this? This isn't you." I could only reply this is who I have become when I'm around you. I shut the door the only way I knew how. I thought cutting him out of my life would make the missing pieces of my life come together and make the blurry horizon suddenly clear. But it hasn't done any of that. It's simply left me back at square one in the dating world. Party of one again. No one wins win it comes to heartbreak and it is indeed warfare no matter how you dice it.

I would take it back if I could. I really would. He's right. I'm not that person. But I can't call or email him to tell him that. It would just reopen the door I need shut. It took me almost a year and half to shut that door. See, that's the problem when you love someone deeply and truly with all your heart. You don't know how to say no or when enough is enough. You always think love will change whatever is broken, make it better, or save the world you share. The truth is, it doesn't do any of that. It just becomes the reason why you justify staying with someone who used to understand you and make you happy.

I've spent a lot of time running away from relationships in the past 10+ years, afraid of what would happen. I sprinted at the first inkling of marriage and family for so long it was my song and dance. As the song says, we can get it right, if you lay your weapon down.

I think I'm ready to lay my weapon down and turn in my running shoes.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Ahhh....grocery boy

He has a name. He is so hot. And everytime I see him I look like absolute shit. This time it was no makeup, wet hair, and yoga pants. I mean who the hell expects to see, let alone talk, to a really hot guy while picking up canned tomatoes for turkey chili? He actually asked me if I had a Valentine. Sort of let it slip right in there. I mean I think that was a sly way of finding out if I was single. Clever. Clever is good. I just stammered and turned beet red. I managed out a bizarre um, no just sort of hung out with my friends and did shopping and dinner. Yep...practically sounded like a retard without a clue, I'm positive of it, not to mention LAME.

Why do I keep doing this to myself?! I think someone needs to take me back to single girls 101. I've been out of circulation for awhile and man it shows.

Monday, February 15, 2010

A hot mess

That's exactly what I am. Last night, I had the most disgustingly uneventful night of my life. I wanted to have this luxurious spa day and that never materialized. I was super pissed off that these snooty ladies kept looking at me all weird like I couldn't afford a freaking spa day. Hey, damn it....I'm not rich, but I eat mac and cheese because I'd rather feed my shopping obsession than my body. (I mean who couldn't stand to lose a few pounds anyway.)

So I decided to go and buy stuff for my apartment. I've been coveting this slip cover for my couch and just wouldn't fork over the cash. There were too many other things I wanted like a few pairs of knee high boots and jeans and other crap related to fashion. You get the point. I forked over the money, ran to safeway to grab pizza and wine (I know--classy), and relax.

I get home and finally get the slipcover on. I go to grab a slice of pizza and a glass of red just glad it's finally put on straight. I sit down and SWOOSH....red wine all over the new couch. Not a drop in my mouth. I screamed obscenities that I will not repeat and grabbed a towel to clean up my mess. Luckily, the couch cover was scotchguarded so it cleaned right up with out any stains. Half a bottle into the wine, I fall asleep on the couch with a half full wine glass. When I rouse from my sleep some 4 hours later at 3 am, I still have the glass in tact and unspilled.

Now that ladies and gents takes talent. I'm sort of proud and ashamed.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Yogurtland and the hot man

I heart Yogurtland these days. Nonfat, super delicious, fruit toppings and no funky chemical after taste. Yum yum.

On my trip there Tuesday night (and yes, I substituted yogurt for dinner), I was in the midst of a deep conversation on my phone with my Meemaw about the filthiest hotels in america. Meemaw mentions there was a hotel in NYC that actually left food under the bed for the rats. I said, quite loudly, "That's DISGUSTING!" followed by a really ugly face contortion. The hot man in front of me turned in disbelief and looked at me with a hurt face. That's when I realized he thought I had commented on his choice of yogurt toppings.

He said, "I was just trying something new."

Right...I'm an ass. There was no way out of this one. So, I told him why I had said that. I mean clearly any hotel that leaves food under the bed for rats is disgusting, and fresh coconut on your chocolate yogurt is certainly a wonderful choice. Of course, I would say this to a hot dreamy man who likes frozen yogurt and looks like a running god in the flesh. Trust me. I wanted to die on the spot. I was a thousand shades of red tomato and stammering. What a way to meet a man. To my relief, he smiled and laughed.

"I guess I shouldn't have been listening to your conversation. Tell Meemaw that is disgusting."

Yeah, not possible I could remember my name, a clever comeback, or anything remotely human.

Damn...I must work on man-woman conversations. I have no reflexes anymore.

Sunday, February 07, 2010

New year...new me

Over the past few weeks, I've come back home from Texas to my humble California abode. I had a some serious time off and I spent it with my family. I felt and still feel so recharged. I had no real desire to do anything and I slept and ate what I wanted. Only caveat: it's been a little harder to get back to the healthier side of things. All things said, though, it was great to go and come back.

I've decided somewhere, somehow that I take life a little too seriously. I realized my time off was just so amazing. I literally shut off my work phone and, in doing so, released so much. I forgot what it was like to just be relaxed. I have this little notebook and I write my work to do's in it as the week goes by. I tackle a little each night for about an hour or so on the computer when I come in from an account. It seems to be helping manage the workload. I've also taken to tuning out negativity in all it's forms. I can't handle the cranky complaining of people at work anymore. I just want to do my job and go home to do what I want to do. Sometimes it's yoga/running or reading. Other times it's snuggling in bed with Baxter watching cheesy tv. Some how I found the time to join a charity and start attending a regular church as well. It's incredibly liberating and yes, I dare say fun.

I know things aren't always going to be easy. I'm always going to hit a few speedbumps....who the heck doesn't? I just feel like this time around I'm going to approach it differently. I feel better than I have in a really long time. We'll just have to see how things continue to unfold.