life seen thru the eyes of a neurotic 20 something gal in search of something, nothing, and everything....but not all at once...I think.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005


It has been 9 days since I last smoked a cigarette and I am still alive. Funny how you become dependent on things you never thought you could or would ever be. I have decided, as previously noted, that I decided to pass my time not smoking by chewing packs of Orbit gum and by working out. It has been hard to breathe mind you, however the harder I push myself on that treadmill, elliptical, whatever I feel such a sense of accomplishment. I leave the gym feeling like I have left my worries from work, my social life, and family at the foot of the machine. This is an amazing find. I LOVE IT. I have had to push myself to get there some days but when I do, I feel so much better. So, let's hope this new addiction helps me lose my hips!!

Friday, November 25, 2005

Am I really working today?

On days like today when things are supposed to be really bad at work, I am especially glad that it was quite the opposite. Today is the biggest shopping day of the year in America and millions of people piled into their cars and crowded into retailers everywhere and anywhere. Don' t get me wrong, it was hella crazy today. But, inspite of the bad mood layover from yesterday, my staff did their best to put a smile on my face... the boss. Honestly, the fact that they worked so hard to make me smile and did amazing sales....I was so overwhelmed and proud. I like to think of my staff as family and today they were laughing and joking and simply having fun at work. I couldn't help but smile, their good humor and fun was infectious. Sometimes even the boss needs someone to cheer her up too. Thanks team for making today just a little bit better.

thanksgiving is for turkey...DUH!

Today was a tough emotional day for me. Had a lot mess floatin around in the noggin. Happy to report that through some kind words of encouragement and email I was able to resist the urge to smoke and, yes, I even made it to the gym. I was the only retarded american sweatin' it up at the gym but god help me I wasn't smoking and I didn't over eat. Damn...this is tough.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Nicotine scrambles my brain

Today I am home and Sunday was the last day I smoked a cigarrette. I have chewed through something like 2 and half packs of gum and am now dying for one damned puff of tobacco laced air. This is pathetic. So quitting smoking is not as easy as I originally thought. I am determined I will not turn to food to kill my strong desire to smoke. I know I will not die but on days like today without family on the holiday and heartbreaking news about old loves I need a cigarrette to calm my nerves. When did I come dependent on a cigarette to solve my problems and ease my pain?

Monday, November 21, 2005

I'm baaack ladies and gentlemen

After much agony and debate with the little monster called my self esteem, I made a decision this morning---actually several. One is that I really should stop smoking. It is a very bad habit and it makes me smell like charcoal. Second, I need to start working out again. This time last year I had lost like 30 pounds and looked fabulous. I smiled a lot more and I got a lot more boy action. Upon seeing the size of my ass, the lack of interest abroad was unfortunatly apparent. I also think I should really start to re-evaluate my finances. While I am not rolling in the dough, I should not be living paycheck to paycheck. Lots of serious decisions made this morning.

On the upside, I did trek to the gym and huff and puff for about 45 minutes. I think I deserve a gold star. Now, if only I could solve world hunger or say get world peace.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Magical mascara and manolos change the world

Why is it when I decide to not wear jeans and pull my hair in a ponytail, I must have a hot date or something is wrong. Is it simply impossible that I might like to look nice for, say, myself? Everyone's eyes pop like I'm a monster the rest of the time. It's just some freakin' mascara and a pair of heels. Good God, I would hate to see what the world might say if they saw me in some formal attire.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Happiness comes in a box of Clairol

When a woman entrusts someone to cut and color her hair it is, quite frankly, equivalent to allowing someone to watch your offspring. It is absolutely crucial to find someone who understands your hair type, tendincies, and lifestyle in order to successfully achieve a repeat customer. I have found this in B boy, who although is married, I am certain if single would totally be my next conquest. Regardless, to my dismay, many other women have found him to be wonderful and are flocking to him in droves. This has made it nearly impossible to book an appointment, and for me, one of his very first patrons, upset that everyone now knows my secret weapon. Nonetheless, I was able to finally book an appointment on Friday morning and was greeted quite warmly.

I sat down to chit chat about my hair and what we were looking at doing. Desperately, in need of a cut was obvious. He was able to squeeze me in for a color, one of the perks of being a loyal client. I have been blondish for almost 5 years now and have grown tired of it. B boy and I agreed new cut meant new color and ironically, he suggested my natural color. I gasped, as most women would. Who the hell is natural anymore? Apparently, as fashion conscious as I am, I did not get the memo that darker, raven colored gals are the hot trend for winter. Whatever the case, I decided naturally dark would still be different and what the hell? I trusted B boy more than my own family because he has never failed to deliver on a promise of perfection.

2 hours later, with a renewed sense of my entire being, I walked out feeling more than just an average person. I felt like a changed woman. I felt alive and sexy, something I haven't felt like since the last ex. My attitude was positive and upbeat and I felt like the world belonged to me. Maybe happiness is only a box of Clairol away.

Monday, November 07, 2005

sometimes sorry isn't enough

Today my baby brother and I had a big arguement. I hate to argue with those I love and especially over trivial things. This fight was over something I think is trivial and it wasn't about what he had done to me or I to him. It was about my mother.

To most people a mother is someone who loves without fail and is there for the peaks and valleys of life. Unfortunately, my mother and I do not have that kind of relationship. In fact my brothers and I have never had that kind of relationship with her. Try as I might for the past 10+ years, I have finally come to the conclusion she and I will never be close.

Today as we argued about respect and who deserves it in relation to my mother and her choices I realized something. What happened between my mother and I more than a lifetime ago has changed me. It has made me wary of all who seem to care about me. It has changed all of my experiences and to this day it still hurts. I have forgiven her. To not forgive kills me and not her. She has said she's sorry, although it is apparent she has no regard for what she is sorry for or why she should be. It doesn't matter though. No amount of sorry can ever erase the words and the images that have become etched in my mind. The term you can forgive but not forget is absolutely true.

I feel I have accomplished a lot in my 24 years on this earth. No, I haven't won the Nobel Peace Prize or anything, but I have learned from my mistakes and that is an accomplishment in itself at any age. Still on days like today my mind becomes short-circuited. All I can hear are her burning words of criticism and anger. Her awful behavior and the lies that turned my world upside down at 13. On days like today, I feel like I have taken a step backwards in time and my self confidence and self image are simply crushed. I thank God for my friends today who listened and told me I was still fantastic....today is just a hard day to truly believe it.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

That car has a serious problem

Gather round kiddies....Mandy is gonna tell you a story. This is a cautionary tale of what alcohol can do to both woman and machine.

Last weekend some friends piled into a car and drove some 800 miles or more to the beautiful state of Georgia. The group of friends laughed and entertained one another on the drive and arrived safely. The next morning, they awoke to sunny skies and a brand new city just waiting to be explored. After several hours of shopping, eating, and hanging out, the friends retired to their quarters. One of the three was antsy to party in the new city and convinced a reluctant person to join him in his escapades. A trip to the package store (that's what they call liquor stores in the deep south) and a bottle of Grey Goose later and the rest is unfortunately pure truth.

The two friends drank some of that damned Grey Goose as they gussied themselves up to the nines. Upon arrival at the bar, they slammed several varities of the martini along with more shots than either could remember. Loud and friendly, the two made their presence known in the bar and before you knew it, the whole bar was partying with the Texas crowd. More shots and smiles later, one friend became severely inebriated. Upon departure back home, a pit stop was made for greasy fast food---the true cure for the late night munchies after boozin' it up all night. At this point, unable to stop the inevitable, one friend opened the door and let the the sidewalk have a taste of the night. Disgusting, I know. But the fun doesn't stop there friends, oh no.

After this incident, the two arrived at the apartment complex where they were staying with friends. Again, the friend began to get sick, leaned over and began to repeat the above behavior. This time it was not just the sidewalk that enjoyed the fun---no, some poor unsuspecting car and its backside got a taste of the past 5 hours. The friend unleashed the remaining contents of her stomach and stumbled into bed unaware of her behavior.

If you haven't guessed by now, that friend was me. Oh yes...me. The next morning, I peeked outside the window and I know someone there was ready to kill me for tossing my cookies on their car. It was a beautiful luxury car too--2005, fully loaded, tint, and oh so shiny (before I did the deed). That poor thing never knew what hit it...literally.

All in all, remember to eat before you drink and just when you think you are ahead---you are behind and STOP.

Texas is flat

Last weekend I went on a roadtrip with my supercool roommate and coworker to Atlanta, GA. We laughed and slept and partied and shopped. It was fun. On the way back, I realized Texas has no real hills or mountains. It's all the same color and just a monotonous landscape in general. Everything in Georgia is so colorful and multidimensional. What's up with that?