sometimes sorry isn't enough

Today my baby brother and I had a big arguement. I hate to argue with those I love and especially over trivial things. This fight was over something I think is trivial and it wasn't about what he had done to me or I to him. It was about my mother.

To most people a mother is someone who loves without fail and is there for the peaks and valleys of life. Unfortunately, my mother and I do not have that kind of relationship. In fact my brothers and I have never had that kind of relationship with her. Try as I might for the past 10+ years, I have finally come to the conclusion she and I will never be close.

Today as we argued about respect and who deserves it in relation to my mother and her choices I realized something. What happened between my mother and I more than a lifetime ago has changed me. It has made me wary of all who seem to care about me. It has changed all of my experiences and to this day it still hurts. I have forgiven her. To not forgive kills me and not her. She has said she's sorry, although it is apparent she has no regard for what she is sorry for or why she should be. It doesn't matter though. No amount of sorry can ever erase the words and the images that have become etched in my mind. The term you can forgive but not forget is absolutely true.

I feel I have accomplished a lot in my 24 years on this earth. No, I haven't won the Nobel Peace Prize or anything, but I have learned from my mistakes and that is an accomplishment in itself at any age. Still on days like today my mind becomes short-circuited. All I can hear are her burning words of criticism and anger. Her awful behavior and the lies that turned my world upside down at 13. On days like today, I feel like I have taken a step backwards in time and my self confidence and self image are simply crushed. I thank God for my friends today who listened and told me I was still fantastic....today is just a hard day to truly believe it.