Letter to a soldier

Today my older brother flew back home to Tennessee. He brought his wife and kids back to Texas and later this week he is back on a plane to Iraq. While the whole family was able to spend some precious moments with him before his trip to the base, I was unable to. I could have gone. I could have finagled something I suppose. But I didn't. I don't know why. I made an excuse and everyone said it's ok...we understand. You have a life and business to run. It's ok.

Truth is I lied. I just couldn't do that cliche saying goodbye thing. Here is the first sibling to beat the smack out of me and stick up for me. He was the first person to honestly encourage any independent thoughts I had. He made me feel like I was a grown woman and not a pesky kid. I just could not bear the thought of this awkward moment where tears are blinding my vision and there is just silence. I hate that. I hate feeling out of control. The last time I did say goodbye all I could see was my brother sitting in some God-forsaken trench praying he won't be blown into smithereens. And then my vision is blurred and I can't breathe. I feel my heart palpitate and something deep inside me hurts. I hugged him and didn't want to let go. Damn it... I just couldn't do it again.

Somehow, I seemed to think not doing anything made the best sense. I just feel sad and horrible about not getting to say what I meant or felt and I ache inside something awful. I hate this war and all the crap it has brought into my life because it has affected me and my brother in an awful way. He is different in a way no one can understand unless you have been through the horrors of war. The sparkle in his eye is gone and his warm nature has been forever changed since he came back the first time. My prayers are with you and in my heart I hope you know what a wonderful person you are.

from the mind and heart of your favorite sister