Break up rituals of the twisted

I am going to put a disclaimer before I type this. I know this is the most immature thing I have probably ever done. Despite this, I hope you will continue to read on.

Every once in awhile, especially after a bad breakup, a gal can get herself all upset. She feels fat and throws herself a HUGE pity party. She sulks and eventually, she peels herself off of the pavement, throws away the Ben and Jerry's, and gets back to the gym and life and general. I am sad to say, I am one of those gals from time to time. Anyhow, no matter how cool, fun, smart, etc. I have the capacity to be, I always feel like crap. I imagine on the bad days that the new ex has a new gal...size nothing, huge boobs, bubbly persona---basically perfection in every way a woman could be. It's dumb. I know that she, who ever she might be, is probably a very nice person who feels the way I do about my thighs, etc. But I can't help it.

So, the other day a good friend of mine who knows the ex was talking to me---casual girl talk. She mentioned he was not so great and I asked what was going on...I was curious. Well, to my happiness, new relationship problems. I know--IMMATURE. We kinda talk about it a little and, well, the curiousity was about to kill me. I had to know what she looked like. I asked, and she, in normal good girl fashion, asked are you sure you want to know? Of course I don't but I need to know. It's like some sick break up ritual. I have to know if you moved up or down a step. I step up is always good for them and a marker for what maybe I was lacking...I dunno.

So, she tells me....and it is awful. She's super short, overweight, jacked up teeth, unattractive, and so not smart. WONDERFUL. I have considered that the words uttered could possibly be false. I have looked at my friend's track record and the truth is I will not know for sure until I see her. However, in light of this information, I felt instantly better about myself. I have taken into account my own personal and physical flaws as well. I am not a size nothing, but I am smart and I know how to laugh at myself and life. I have some nice physical attributes that I have come to love and others I loathe. But I am 5'8 and have a set of nice straight teeth without braces. I know it's dumb but damn it, I don't key cars or get all psycho on anyone I date. I have to have some sort of way of cheering myself up from time to time when I feel like crap cause I'm not dating anyone and am nowhere even close.

Let's just say, there is a God after all :)

the truth about childbirth and the birds and the bees

It was a slow day at work and my assistant and I are having a conversation about her pregnancy. She is in her first trimester and excited. It's her second. So she, another assistant, and I are talking and the other assistant starts discussing the actual events leading up to the birth. I know some of this, I mean after all I took sex ed in high school and I have had a go in the bedroom affairs. But the gory details of the actual act...I had never known til that day.

See, a long time ago when I was like 16, I saw my then pregnant sister in law deal with the most awful labor and I thought there is no way in hell I want to do that. I didn't see the birth, but that was sufficient enough then to make me extra careful of any activity I participated in. In addition, my dad was pretty much my only parent and I had 3 brothers. Not only did we not ever discuss any female happenings like this, talking about sex, sexuality and the like were never open for discussion.

To my horror, they gave me the full monty on childbirth...the enema, the real pain, the epistot-something or other, the hemrroids, the tearing from your who-ha to your ass... I could go on. If ever I was convinced that motherhood was not for me, it was then. I mean when you have sex you always know pregnancy could result if you are not careful, etc, etc. But no one, and I mean no one, ever tells you, or maybe it was just me, the agony and horror of pregnancy and birth. I was flabbergasted to be honest and disgusted. Then they tell me, but oh it's so worth it when you have that bundle of joy. BULLSHIT...I call that bluff mo-fo. Like hell. If ever that unfortunate event happens to me, I will pray for a 9 month coma and call it a day. I have realized that I will live if I don't have kids EVER. They say I will change my mind...and I say never. That's gross and just....gross. My mind is made up. And for future reference, telling single 20 something career woman the truth about THAT simply encourages them to never have kids.

Children are the best birth control

I was at work the other day, tired and stressed as usual from a LONG week. It was the week of inventory and my store, which is half adult furniture and half children's furniture was littered with screaming idiotic children and their yuppie, tight-fisted, irresponisible parents again. This one kid was probably about 2 or so and was just filthy. Food on her face, dirty clothes, and completely left to her own devices as her parents shopped. There should be a law against that--leaving your kids to run around a store without supervision. I mean how do you think kids get snatched?! And you can't be mad at the kid for being dirty. I mean how the hell is she supposed to know any better. The most aggravating thing is her parents looked impecably well dressed. CLEAN UP YOUR KID!!! But I digress....

So, my assistant and I are in a section of the store trying to prep for this inventory. This kid is screaming bloody murder and I am about to get up and tell her if she continues I will give her something to really yell about. I know, I know...cruel but at this point all reasoning and sanity is draining from me at 50+ hours of work. It gets relatively quiet and I'm thinking thank god that kid shut the hell up. I continue working and a stench creeps into my nostrils. "Kim...do you smell that?" and my assistant stifles a giggle and points behind me. I turn to find that little cave dweller squating, eyes squinting, hands balled in fists making little grunting noises about 3 feet from me. I am horrified. She's taking a shit in public. Her parents are no where to be found. I say loudly "hey, what are you doing?!" because I think she might respond and stop, I guess. She is startled but finishes her duty and my assistant is rolling by now.

The stench is awful. To make matters worse she proceeds to run around my store spreading the love everywhere. It is at this point that I decide kids are gross and I think my first inclination to not have any is fully acknowledged and embraced. This is why women like myself think kids are awful and think having none is just fine with them/me. This is why I will take my damned birth control and practice abstinence in lieu of the condom because that could happen to any ovulating fool.

Yahoo set me free

Okay so not just Yahoo. I guess I should have been slightly more specific. Wednesday afternoon I was being a lazy bum and playing online, etc. I have been trying to deal with the new year. I know, I know--the new year started 20 days ago. Since then I have been contemplating old relationships, people, my career, and life in general. I was feeling guilty about a lot of things to be perfectly honest. Why are there so many unfinished affairs in my life?

After much soul searching via the Shib and several nights of martinis and tears I came to a conclusion. I need to learn to live with what has happened. I gave the most I could give in each situation given the then current knowledge, perspective, etc. Of course, hindsight is 20-20 and I wish I could change it but we all know I can't. So, I decided to embrace the future and forgive myself for not being perfect in someone else's eyes but also for not being perfect in my own. My satisfaction came when I least expected it on Wednesday. I logged onto my Messenger and up popped my past---my long distance ex and part of those past insecurities were staring me in the face. What do I do? I DID NOTHING. I didn't IM. I didn't cry. I didn't do a damn thing and that in itself was wonderful, precious, and freeing in itself. Baby steps, I can admit. But damn it is sure good to know there is light at the end of the tunnel eventually.

I've been tagged

Thanks to my friend down under, I have been tagged. I apologize this post has taken sometime..I mean after all I did fall off the face of the earth for about a month. Without further BS, I will answer your questions and I hope you are not too disappointed.

WHAT WERE YOU DOING 10 YEARS AGO? Sweet Jesus....let me think. I was a freshman in high school (stop laughing) partying my brains out trying to figure out why my parents were divorced. If memory serves me I felt really lost and alone and had a hard time understanding why the things happening in my family were a small town's business. It was tough. But I made it through.

WHAT WERE YOU DOING 1 YEAR AGO? Hmmm. I was blissfully happy because my then boyfriend and I were enjoying a wonderful time being a couple. This was soon to be followed by the now famous parent-meeting fiasco of 2005 my super close friends have come to know. Another story for another day....

5 SNACKS I ENJOY
Twizzlers
Wheat thins with hummus
Ice cream
Flaming Hot Cheetos
Jello pudding.....I know, I know...it's all junk food! That's why I am working out!!

5 SONGS TO WHICH I KNOW ALL THE LYRICS
1. Madonna's Immaculate Collection CD---Ok so I know it's only supposed to be 5 songs but Madonna is far too amazing in my book to simply know only 1 song's lyrics.
2. Edwin McCain's I could not ask for more---It was the song my first love ever sang to me. It has since lost its meaning but still holds a special place in my heart.
3.Alanis Morissette's Mary Jane---It's a really sad song that I always connected with when I was feeling lonely or down in the dumps.
4. Stone Temple Pilots' Dead and Bloated---I loved them when I was a kid. They were so rock and roll.
5. The itsy bitsy lil' spider....I know that is totally lame but I am a kid at heart!!

5 THINGS I'D DO IF I WAS A MILLIONAIRE...
1. Pay off all of my debt--school, etc
2. Help my family accomplish their goals that money has stonewalled--my brother finishing college, my dad retiring, etc.
3. Buy an awesome house with a huge yard and a big pool
4.Take a wicked wild vacation around the world with my 3 closest gal pals
5.Shop for shoes and purses ALL the time

5 BAD HABITS
I suppose these are one's I have? Here goes...
1. Never saying no when I know it's what I should say/do
2. Leaving laundry in the washer or dryer more than a day
3. Letting my job interfere with my everyday life
4. Shopping without looking at the price tag---EVER
5. Trying to be rational with irrational people---hello, that's why they're crazy...

5 THINGS I LIKE DOING
1. Read--magazines, classic novels, science journals. I'm a nerd..it's been established.
2. Smile and laugh out loud with my girlfriends over the tragedy it is to be 20 something, career driven, and boy crazy.
3. Have an intellectual conversation with someone who is real about who and what they are (extra points if it is someone of the opposite sex)
4. Shopping without a budget. Hardly ever happens unless it's with Dad's money but damn, it sure does rock!
5. Spending the day with my Meemaw. She loves me even though I am not her kid and understands me the way I wish my own mother could. And she LOVES to shop, did I forget to mention that too?

5 THINGS I WOULD NEVER BUY, WEAR, GET NEW AGAIN...
1. Any at home beauty product like waxing or hair color....It's hard enough being a woman. I pay someone who knows what they're doing lest I come out with green hair and wax burn on my legs!
2. Leggings---ever
3. an ugly bra---functionality and sexy are always possible
4. boycut underwear---I don't need help making my thighs look bigger
5. tapered jeans

5 FAVORITE TOYS
I will keep it G rated for those living in a cave or under a rock
1. My cell phone--organizer, games, internet..what more could I want
2. The white out pen from staples that uses tape not liquid.
No waiting for white out to dry=bliss. I told you I was a nerd.
3. The computer of course
4. IPODS---on my list of new toys I will treat myself to next paycheck
5. The tivo thing on the cable box--I can record and watch everything I want and watch at my leisure without the hassle of a vcr and tape.

DONE. So I suppose I will have to tag some people and move the blog list down and such.
Shib and Laura are tagged and Shib, tag some others if you'd like.

down the rabbit hole
diary of a raving lunatic
Seven worlds will collide...
another single guy
miranda rambles

Enjoy!

the world is spinning off its axis

So, this afternoon I have spent being a total bum. On my very well deserved day off I slept in, ate some leftovers, and went to the gym. All pretty uneventful in the grand scheme of things, I suppose. I had a chit chat with my surrogate mom, my aunt better known as Meemaw. I also had a conversation with my best friend from college. I am ecstatic he is moving closer to home cause I miss our time together and all. But something dawned on me in the middle of this conversation that I don't think had ever occurred to me...we are adults. I have my own business as a store manager and he is a mortgage banker(yuppie, I know). Then I thought of all of my friends and they all have "adult" jobs....professions, really. I mean in 5 months I am going to be 25!!!!!! I'm starting to get this lightheaded feeling.

WHERE THE HELL DID TIME GO?

I mean just yesterday I was dying to be able to legally drink. I was itching to be able to get into a club. I was so bored with college and ready to get into the real world making my own living. Making 30 grand a year was practically rich and, and, and.....lightheaded again.

ok, breathing is slowed......room is coming into focus again. I am sad to say I think I might be having a 20s meltdown or something. Is this normal?

I"m baaaack.....

After a very trying holiday season, sickness, and family I am finally happy to report I am still alive. I apologize to anyone, if there are such people, who read this blog with any regularity. In my line of business, the holidays are the biggest money maker of the year and the chance to make up lost ground. It is not an excuse, merely a reason why I neglected to write here.

Anyhow, I am glad to be back. Updates---I am still cigaretteless in Houston, I am still working out, and I have set some new goals for myself this year. I look forward to blogging more soon, however, the Golden Globes are calling my name....please forgive my shallow obsession with Hollywood.