I said yes

We went on vacation to Texas in March and my world has been upside down ever since. I visited family and relaxed. It was great. The last night before we were supposed to leave back home, my boyfriend asked me to wait for him after he and my brothers got back from a basketball game. I was tired and didn't want to, but he begged me, saying he had something important to tell me that couldn't wait until the morning. I said fine. At a quarter to midnight, he said he wanted to go for a walk. All that sitting at the game had made him stiff and he needed a stretch. I obliged and we went for a walk around the neighborhood where I spent my entire childhood. I relayed stories to him about my family, our neighbors, and the town. The conversation was easy and we were on our way back to my dad's house laughing and talking.

We rounded the corner and walked up to the winding sidewalk that leads to my childhood home. There, in my front yard under an amazing clear Texas sky sprinkled with millions of stars, he dropped to one knee and asked me to marry him. All week he had spent time talking to my dad and brothers telling them his plan, asking for their blessing, each one in their turn giving it. I managed a yes between tears and pure delight. There was no fear like in times past. There wasn't an inkling to run or hide or do anything but hold on to him.

So, long story short...I got engaged! Take a look at his handy work!

Chances are....

if you told me I would find happiness 10 years ago, my laughter and dismay could have been heard round the world. But that is exactly where I found myself yesterday. Rob and I loaded the dog in the car and drove to the beach. It was a cool day warmed by the sunshine. We laughed and talked about our lives past and present all 2 hours we drove. We parked near a trail that wound thru the picturesque town and up near the sea cliffs. I stood near the railing and felt the cold sea spray and wind on my cheeks. I could see the ocean for miles and hear the crashing waves.

10 years ago, I was in a bad relationship, miserable and on the verge of a mental breakdown. I was exhausted and unhappy in ways that seemed incomprehensible at the time. It was the catalyst I needed. It pushed me out of my comfort zone and though, the journey financially, emotionally, and physically was far more arduous than I ever expected....it brought me here. I am healthy and happy in every aspect of my life as much as any human being can find themself.

Thank God I took a chance on myself. It was a risk worth taking if only to find myself.

It hurts....

knowing someone thinks you're not good enough. Maybe it stings because I have never been on the receiving end when dating someone. Perhaps it's because, part of me wants to know they feel the way my family does...that I could find no one better to make me happy in this life. In this case, she thinks I'm not educated enough and I'm possibly after what money he might have. Right...lady, I just moved in with your son fully aware my family might disown me when they find out. I don't give a flying fart about what money you may or may not have. I am not chasing your son or pushing him. He ASKED ME to move in.

All week this has been weighing on my mind and heart. I told Rob it bothered me and he said so what. He has to live with me. She's a snob about crap like that anyway. I don't care. Besides, I still can't believe 7 months later you want to be with me AND share my stinky bed.

I suppose I will get over it. She had better too....

Bedroom Shenanigans

Getting a roommate or living with anyone else is tough. It takes time to find a balance and get things "situated." It's even harder when that someone is your boyfriend/girlfriend. Thus, the following transpired this week....

I came home from work thoroughly exhausted and ready for sleep. The bf came home late from class and tried to be quiet as I was beginning to drift off. 2o minutes later he climbed into bed. I assumed he would fall asleep. He was trying to get comfortable and started wiggling like a possessed person sprayed with holy water. one minute....two...three....my patience was wearing....four...four and a half...I couldn't hold it any longer.

"What the fuck are you doing?!"
"What?"
"Do you have ants in your pants? Is there something wrong with you? I mean you're squirming like a freaking worm about to explode."
"I'm just trying to get comfortable."
"Could you stop convulsing under the sheets...I was trying to sleep."

"Uh yeah....sorry."
Silence for about 3 minutes.
"Really sorry hun....can I get a good night kiss?"
"Yeah...I'm sorry too."

The next following night amid an intense debate over who's couch is uglier:
"I don't want that couch. The dog is going to pee on it. It's comfortable but it will stink," he says.

"Well, yours looks like a couch from a 1970s porn flick AND it's ugly. We are not keeping it." He turns his back to me and I notice his ass hanging out of his underwear.

"Why you gotta get all personal mooning me and such. I mean it's a couch!"
"WHAT?"
"Why you gotta moon me?"
"I am not mooning you."
"Uh, yeah you are." Heated exchange over whether his ass is hanging out or not.

He finally reaches his arm behind to find his bare ass and his face changes.

"Oh, I kinda am mooning you. Sorry about that."

Tell me everyone has nights like this when you first move in together.

Meemaw's opinion

Last night I called my 70 something Meemaw for our weekly catch up call. Once a week or more, I call and we talk about what's going on in the family, work, all the things that matter in our lives. She's the closest thing I have to a mom and true female role model. I love her dearly and since I moved across the country, it's our way of making sure we keep in touch as if we were still living across the street from each other. Given the new living update, I wanted to tell her so bad. She is someone I truly consider a friend and trust beyond measure, but I knew it would just cause a huge issue.

10 minutes into our conversation, she started telling me about how she had, yet again, put her foot in her mouth. Meemaw is known for speaking her mind without thinking just how much it can hurt/affect others around her. Needless to say, she had been sitting at the table with my uncle discussing marriage and family. My cousin just had a baby, is unmarried, and living with the baby's father, not an uncommon occurrence in this day and age. Meemaw proceeded to say no one believes in the "sanctity of marriage" anymore. Used to be, wearing a white dress meant something and people didn't just "shack up." Of course, my uncle was offended. While he doesn't approve of my cousin's particular situation, there is nothing he can do to change it. She is an adult and all things considered, he would rather spend time with his grand baby and daughter than throw them out on the street just to prove his moral belief.

I was hearbroken to say the least. She felt bad for hurting his feelings which was good, but was so adamant that doing otherwise was practically the equivalent of murder. I bit my tongue. If a wedding is that important then just wait, she declared. You don't need to shack up and pretend. It clearly doesn't mean that much if you are willing to do that. I could hear the utter disgust in her voice. Does that make my cousin unworthy of a wedding simply because she did not do it in the prescribed manner? Does it make me unworthy of a wedding because I love this man and want to start a life together now?

My heart simply sagged in sadness. She will never accept that it is okay and no matter how much everyone says it doesn't matter, it does to me. I love her. I don't want to disappoint her or anyone else. I can't live my life for her either. I know there are things I have done in the past that have upset my Meemaw but to hear her say those things hurt me. I love Rob so much. I want to spend my life with him. She has declared she will have "to see" about coming to a wedding in California. She thinks we should marry in Texas since all of my family is there (nevermind that all his family is here).

Is it too much to wish that the most important woman in my life support my decisions whether they pass her moral code or not? I'm beginning to wonder.....

A new chapter starts

He invited me to stay at his house....permanently.

I have accepted.

I am terrified my Bible thumping family will condemn my soul for all eternity now that I have chosen to "live in sin."

I love him. This is more right with him than it has ever been with anyone else EVER. So, why do I feel like a horrible person for not telling my family? I wish they could share in my joy and excitement, but I know that is simply not possible, until I walk down an aisle on my father's arm. It's just the way they THINK it should be. Here I am weighed down with this and yes, slightly sad, that I cannot call my family to celebrate this milestone.

I can't tell them. Not yet, at least. Thank God they live 2300 miles away. I can hold the pre-Armageddon show down for a little bit.

Nothing like home

I woke up at 11 am today. I've been in my pajamas all day long eating left over Christmas cookies and watching reruns of the First 48 at my dad's house on the ginormous flat screen HD tv.

I have no plans to do anything else other than shower and, of course, eat even more food that will go straight to my ass.

I might even skip the shower....

I know. TMI. Sorry.