heartbreak warfare

Let me just preface this with John Mayer is a douche. The only man that talks about his bedroom romps is a loser who could never get a girl in the first place at age 16. Either way, the man has insightful lyrics and is indeed talented.

I'm in the middle of prepping for a huge visit from our senior executives this coming week. I was listening to John Mayer's newest single while working on a series of long tedious reports. He says "I dream of ways to make you understand my pain...no one ever really wins at heartbreak warfare....if you want more love, why don't you say so?"

I suppose it was inevitable that I would think about the Greek. He and I were over a long time ago. It just became final because I couldn't keep letting him come back and I couldn't keep taking him back. I loved him. I said despicable things to him the last time we spoke over Christmas because I just needed out. I knew it was wrong but I felt like a caged animal....like he wouldn't let me go. He even asked me, "Why are you being like this? This isn't you." I could only reply this is who I have become when I'm around you. I shut the door the only way I knew how. I thought cutting him out of my life would make the missing pieces of my life come together and make the blurry horizon suddenly clear. But it hasn't done any of that. It's simply left me back at square one in the dating world. Party of one again. No one wins win it comes to heartbreak and it is indeed warfare no matter how you dice it.

I would take it back if I could. I really would. He's right. I'm not that person. But I can't call or email him to tell him that. It would just reopen the door I need shut. It took me almost a year and half to shut that door. See, that's the problem when you love someone deeply and truly with all your heart. You don't know how to say no or when enough is enough. You always think love will change whatever is broken, make it better, or save the world you share. The truth is, it doesn't do any of that. It just becomes the reason why you justify staying with someone who used to understand you and make you happy.

I've spent a lot of time running away from relationships in the past 10+ years, afraid of what would happen. I sprinted at the first inkling of marriage and family for so long it was my song and dance. As the song says, we can get it right, if you lay your weapon down.

I think I'm ready to lay my weapon down and turn in my running shoes.