a word from above

I went to church this morning. I go every Sunday and always hope that in some way God has something to say to me. It might be a "what the hell are you doing?" or maybe a chuckle at my silly mishaps. Either way, I think He exists and aside from getting a raucous laugh or two at me, is indeed interested in my small and somewhat misguided life.

The message was on the trials of life. Lately, as I have mentioned before, I've felt pretty sad and quite frankly, isolated about my love life and the progression of everyone else's path (careers/family/life in general) but my own. I can admit I've even curled up on the bed a few times and wondered if there was much more I could take in terms of bad relationships, crack head work colleagues, and yes, even some of my longest friendships. It's been a lonely, lonely place for the past few months. A lot of time has been spent wondering if all the decisions I've made thus far were really the right ones. Moving from San Antonio to Houston and eventually San Francisco. Saying no to people who loved me and saying yes to ones who have no idea what love really is. I think everything I've done over the last 28 years has come under my microscope for scrutiny. I've really tried to live my life with the attitude of if I think I might regret it, do it and deal with the fear later. Admitedly I don't know if I know anything at all about even myself. If you've never been to this place, I hope you never do. It's a tough place to be no matter how strong you think you are or how much you THINK you can take.

That's why this morning, when the man spoke about loneliness and isolation, I could feel the tears welling up. That's me. It's been me for 5 months. When he talked about how we avoid our problems, I felt pangs of guilt. I'm the one who seems like nothing bothers her. A smile to hide the pain. The trooper at work. The best friend in someone else's crisis. The giver and pillar of strength for others. Yet, I'm the one who runs on the treadmill to relieve stress and literally melts down mid stride. My last relationship was a holy shit show. It was something I whole heartedly believed in and wanted to work more than anything. When it was over there weren't tears or emotions left to empty out. And now they're all over the place welling up in me and on my mascara stained cheeks out of nowhere.

So when he said God had not forgotten me, I just about lost it. Because that's how I've felt. Did you finally just give up on me?

God knows when you're at the edge and ready to throw in the towel. He knows how you need to hear from Him and Him alone. Even if that's not what the message meant today, it's what I took from it. It made me feel like everything really would be ok. Like someone was there holding my hand. And that in some strange way made me feel better about everything good, bad, and ugly that has come confronted me in the last 5 months.