For all that it's worth

Mother's day is always a hard day for me. I am not particularly close to my mother. We've always had a turbulent relationship of sorts. We had not talked in almost 7 years before I moved to California. I had a moment of clarity one day and realized our relationship was completely mucking me up. It was pushing me over the edge of all reason and sanity. I was losing my ability to function normally and it had to stop. I went into self preservation mode and stopped all communication with her.

Last summer I decided to try to talk to her. After all, anyone, I reasoned, could change, even my mother. Don't get me wrong, we've had a peaceful interaction thus far but it's just not what a parent child relationship should be. I can't ask for her advice or tell her about my life. She doesn't understand my life and pretty much me in general.

I talked to my brother a few weeks ago and, in the course of our conversation, he told me she had been trying to feed my soon to be sister in law rumors about my dad. Really? It's been almost 15 years since everything has ended. You've married, divorced, and yet still, you feel the need to belittle the man who literally spent his life raising your children so you could run around and act like a fool?

Some things never change. It, quite honestly, breaks my heart in half. I love my mom for the simple fact, I will never have another. But I don't understand her and why she can't let go and move on. It's like she's stuck in the same spot she was 15 years ago. Life is full of disappointments and mistakes. We all make them. The point is to learn from them and move on, doing better because you know better. It's what adults do. Maybe that's where I lose my own way and perhaps all tolerance. My experiences with her have taught me to think before speaking in anger. It's taught me to forgive and yes, even forget, because that's how you get out of bed when someone makes you feel worthless. It's all these things and somehow none of them.

I went to church and cried for the 5th week in a row. I'm still crying all the time, everywhere I go, with emotions I can't even be bothered to name at this point. It's not just my ex, but it's my mom and so many other things I didn't even know existed anymore. I know our relationship will never be anything books or poems are written about. Its almost like that whole idea of a real relationship, after all these years has finally come to the end of the line. It's the death of a dream I've had for a long time that no one knows. That's a hard realization. Somewhere deep inside, I always hoped I'd be wrong. She'd grow up and participate in our adult lives. She would be a shoulder for us to lean on and not the other way around. At my age, I suppose I should know better than to hang my hopes on something so silly.

I came home from church and found my running shoes. I changed, grabbed my iPod, and headed to the gym. I laced up my shoes and did what I do best: I ran. I ran hard and cranked up the tunes. I didn't want to be left alone with my thoughts lest I burst into tears on the treadmill. When I couldn't breathe anymore, I stopped the belt and just gasped for air. I set a new PR on the treadmill for a 5k: 48:48 (11 minutes shaved off my first attempt). But it didn't make me feel better. It just made me kinda numb and really sad. I suppose even I can't out run my feelings, problems, or tears.