The Kool Aid Man is a-comin'

I won't be angry if you don't ask me to be a bridesmaid. In fact, I will say thank you and kiss your feet. I had to go to the bridal store and try on dresses for my brother's upcoming wedding, May 22nd. As it is, I have a Carrie, a la Sex and City, type aversion to weddings. I get antsy and my pulse races. I get sweaty and can't breathe. Yesterday was no exception.

My friend Bonnie went with me to try on the dresses. At first it was fun: laughing at the wedding dresses, the hideous colors in selected bridesmaid fashions, etc. Which, by the way, their wedding color is watermelon....for real? I, as my brother laughed when he had looked online at the dress styles, will surely look like the KoolAid man and be sweating profusely in 100 degree humidity soaked Texas heat. Anyhow, I finally had the 3 styles my future sister in law had picked and went into a dressing room. No sooner than I had taken them off the hanger and stripped down, I felt claustrophobic. I shimmied into every dress, each one worse than the last. It was hot and I had to adjust the girls everytime, until I gave up and just free balled it in the dressing room. My hair was everywhere and I wanted to, literally, throw a temper tantrum like the 2 year old outside my fitting room. Bonnie couldn't help but laugh. I mean I did look absolutely ridiculous.

We finally chose the most flattering style. $135 (plus alterations)of pure fugliness and bitterness. I equate my experience to Chinese water torture. Please, I beg of all you brides....stop the madness. No one looks good in whatever God awful color you pick unless it's black. NO ONE will ever shorten it to wear else where no matter how much you try to sell it that way. I say this is with steadfast conviction: this is the LAST TIME I will ever do this. I love each and every single friend I have, but I prefer to sit on the sidelines. I'll buy a nice gift and attend your multiple showers. I will smile and do all the things you ask. Just don't make me buy yet another detestable dress and participate in the shame that accompanies this ritual.