questioning love
I went to lunch with a co-worker the other day. While eating our food we were discussing our relationships and I told him about my wigged out dream and the wedding. He made an observation about the situation I don't think I had ever realized. He said the reason why he thought I was so weird about marriage and such was because I am extremely independent. I rely on myself to make my destiny not some person on a white horse. Marriage means becoming one and not being quite so independent. He thinks I am afraid of losing myself....and I think he's right.
A long time ago, I was in a relationship and I did lose myself. I forgot who I was and settled for less than what I knew I deserved because I thought that's what a relationship was about. WRONG. It took me 2 years to find myself and figure out what the hell I wanted. The next relationship, I knew better but somehow the thing fell apart. I didn't settle for second best and in the end it was over because I needed to be comfortable. He was a wonderful guy and I still think if we had met at a different time our lives we could have made it.
In U2's soulful ballad With or Without you, Bono belts out how he can't live with or without this person. Is that kind of love really possible anymore? I wonder if that all consuming, silly, stomach flipping kinda love really exists. Maybe I'm too jaded for this game. Suppose love does smack me in the face someday again. Will I even know what it is anymore?
posted by mandy @ 3:36 PM
1 Comments:
Very insightful words from your co-worker.
I've never been married before, but I too have pondered over the same things... especially after a similar relationship to yours (and I too think that if that relationship were at a different time in the future it would've been different (we probably would've married) - but deep down I'm glad we didn't... I too was becoming someone I was not).
So how will I know whether the person I'm with will be "the one"?
I strongly believe that the right one will be the one that brings out the best in me, and in return I bring out the best in her. It's an unselfish love.
But what about the fear of divorce, of disloyalty, of dying love?
Well I know I can't control the world, or anyone else, or even my hair at times, but I do know that I can control myself - my actions. So while bad things might happen to our marriage so long as I provide my all and my best then if anything bad happens (such as divorce) then I know with a clean and clear conscience that I did my best.
I don't know if they are the right answers to a perfect marriage/spouse, but when I look back at my life when I'll ponder back over these words and see if it there was any element of truth to it.
In answer to your last question:
I have no doubt you will.
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