life seen thru the eyes of a neurotic 20 something gal in search of something, nothing, and everything....but not all at once...I think.

Sunday, September 05, 2010

Will I ever move on?

It's been awhile since I've posted to the world, mainly because I'm at peak work craziness and I've taken to the online dating world. My travels have thus brought me to a fork in the road and a place where I find myself, yet again, doubting the who, what, and where's of my little existence.

We begin with the online mating dance. I've been surprised at the responses. Seems the straight male population is alive and thriving in San Francisco, contrary to popular belief. I've been attracting attention and been emailing, talking, and yes, even dating the male species, of which I am happy to report, still have manners. I have yet to pay for any dinner, drink, or activity, so ladies...looks like chivalry is still out there. In the last couple of weeks, my social calendar has busted at the seams with charity events, bars, bbq's and all other imaginable activities. I have been having a great time, but in my dreams, my ex still haunts me and not just Frank, but all the other big meaningful men I've dated. I see them attending these events. I want to drunk dial to hear their voice (but haven't thankyouverymuch). I replay candid intimate activities. I wake up more perplexed and have no idea what these dreams mean.

Cut to last night. I've found a great guy. We've been talking for 2 months now. Sweet as can be. Total gentleman. Baxter(my furry child) LOVES him. Finishing law school. NOT a loser. My friend of 15 years says stop trying to screw it up. Enjoy it. 3 months ago you were in tears when your younger brother got married and cried to me about how you weren't sure the One was even out there. It's time to enjoy yourself and being with a smart, funny, sweet man with a decent job who is self confident and thinks you are amazing. Right....absolutely right. But as the night progresses and the bedroom talk began, I zoned out. All I could think about was Frank. All I was consumed with was how much I missed him and how he was this or that. I felt like a prisoner in my mind and body and couldn't wait for him to stop it all. I wanted to cry. Why do I feel this way?! It's been a year. I ended it. So why can't I move on? Why am I still holding on to what wasn't even more than a delusion of my own misery?

Lawyer boy slept over. I wanted him to leave even after I couldn't have sex with him. I played to his sweetness this morning because I felt like the poor guy has been putting up with me for 2 months. After the shennigans from last night, I can at least pretend to be a sweet and doting girl. The man deserves at least that much. Meanwhile, all I could think is I smell like him. I couldn't wait to scrub his scent off my skin the second he left. I washed the blankets and sheets because it was like he marked my house with his scent.

And so here I am:more confused and basically fucked up about men than I have ever been in my life. I'm 29. After 11 years of crazy dating and crazier relationships, I do believe I have passed jaded and moved on to no longer gives a shit. So the question remains....will I ever move on and be happy with a man again?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

The cards give a positive response.
Don't be afraid, relax, take a shower, enjoy life.

Embrace the love thats coming.

6:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't know why , but I love your text !

2:59 PM  

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home