empty my heart

I returned from vacation Tuesday night. Aside from sleeping a ridiculous amount of time (15 hours in 1 day alone!), I shut off the Blackberry, did not check email, or voicemail. I would be lying if I said I wasn't happy to be back in my own home, with my things and my very own space. It's strange though. I live alone with my dog and my schedule. I'm basically content with that 95% of the time. When I visit the family, there's this instant group of people to always spend time with. Genuine people who know and love me. I don't need to second guess their motives. They need no backstory to understand the craziness I am and all to often fully embody. The few days back to my singular life have made me sad for the closeness and bonds only family can bring. I have no family here. When I lived in Houston, I built my own family. I had a support system I could turn to. In fact, I still rely on them a great bit from here.

California is different though. My 2 year anniversary is coming up and I still feel somedays like I just got here. I know my way around. I have my spots to hang, shop, eat, etc. That's why when that familiar number dialed me this afternoon, I picked up. He said hello several times and I sat there paralyzed with so many emotions. I was angry I gave in and picked up. I was lonely and wanted to hear a familiar voice. I was relieved he still wanted to call me because there's still an insecure girl here who thinks no one will ever value who she really is. I couldn't bring myself to speak. There was dead air for about 3 seconds. I hung up and then shut off my phone.

I recently started reading the follow up book to Eat, Pray, Love by Liz Gilbert. If you've never read it, I HIGHLY recommend it. Her newest book Committed is about making peace with entering marriage, again, and resolving her own battle with commitment in general. (Being a commitment phobe of sorts, I definitely relate) In her attempt to warn her boyfriend of just what he's in for, she compiles a list of her absolute worst attributes. Liz felt he should know in case he decided being with her forever was not so feasible after all. Felipe, her boyfriend, tells her a story about when he first started his semi-precious stone business. The dealers would sell these packages of discounted stones. Each package had a few brilliant stones and other less valuable ones with imperfections. He used to marvel at the few perfect stones and purchase the packages with little thought to the other stones. He soon learned, each package always had amazing stones but the value in the purchase was summed up by weather he could salvage any of the imperfected ones. If the imperfected ones could make him no profit, then the purchase, no matter how amazing the other stones, would ultimately be of no worth. And so it was with her. He stated he had long ago accepted the imperfect stones that made her package along with the brilliant ones.

And so it is with Frank. I have tortured myself over how great he could be. Oh the potential he has to be a great this or that. But the truth is no matter how beautiful those precious gems are, they will never outweigh the imperfected stones that accompany his entire package. I cannot change his desire to not communicate or to live in mediocrity. I cannot settle for being simply a mindless wife who bears children and hangs on my husband's every word. While I hope to someday be a wife and maybe even a mother, our ideas of what those roles entail is so different. It would have made the perfect recipe for disaster had we actually followed thru with a marriage.

So, while there are no tears, there is a place in my heart that still aches tonight. I'm not sorry that I hung up on him. I'm not sorry I'm unwilling to accept the package he offered to me. I know there will be a better offer tomorrow, or next month, or whenever. Eventually, this part of my heart will no longer ache and that brings me comfort as I rebandage my wounds.