Not just another day

It shouldn't be different. Today shouldn't be any different for me. I should go about my business with cheer. I should not have to blink back tears when I see others clearly revelling in Mother's Day joy. I should be happy that some 13 years later I am better off not having contact with my mother. She is not good for me as she has proven time and again. She is not good for me. I know this.

But the fact of the matter is that today is different for me. It is the 13th year I have spent without my mother who lives 4 hours away. I always think it will be easier to pass this day up.....you know, like that saying, time heals all things. I always think I will feel satisfaction knowing I can't be hurt by her anymore. I think I will secretly celebrate my ability to move on.

That's what I always think. And then today comes. I realize I wish my mother gave a damn. I realize she hasn't changed and never will. We will never shop together or share secrets like others. We will never be able to even sit in a room without the tension killing innocent bystanders. I feel foolish. I feel freaking idiotic for wasting a thought on it. I feel cheated in spite of all the things I have learned and gained from this life changing experience with her.

Mother's Day is always hard for me. It's the one day I realize no matter what I have done to shield my self, I can't get away from her or what she should mean and all that she has never been.