ramblings

I said yes

2011-04-27T23:18:00.006-05:00

We went on vacation to Texas in March and my world has been upside down ever since. I visited family and relaxed. It was great. The last night before we were supposed to leave back home, my boyfriend asked me to wait for him after he and my brothers got back from a basketball game. I was tired and didn't want to, but he begged me, saying he had something important to tell me that couldn't wait until the morning. I said fine. At a quarter to midnight, he said he wanted to go for a walk. All that sitting at the game had made him stiff and he needed a stretch. I obliged and we went for a walk around the neighborhood where I spent my entire childhood. I relayed stories to him about my family, our neighbors, and the town. The conversation was easy and we were on our way back to my dad's house laughing and talking.

We rounded the corner and walked up to the winding sidewalk that leads to my childhood home. There, in my front yard under an amazing clear Texas sky sprinkled with millions of stars, he dropped to one knee and asked me to marry him. All week he had spent time talking to my dad and brothers telling them his plan, asking for their blessing, each one in their turn giving it. I managed a yes between tears and pure delight. There was no fear like in times past. There wasn't an inkling to run or hide or do anything but hold on to him.

So, long story short...I got engaged! Take a look at his handy work!

Chances are....

2011-02-21T13:55:00.005-05:00

if you told me I would find happiness 10 years ago, my laughter and dismay could have been heard round the world. But that is exactly where I found myself yesterday. Rob and I loaded the dog in the car and drove to the beach. It was a cool day warmed by the sunshine. We laughed and talked about our lives past and present all 2 hours we drove. We parked near a trail that wound thru the picturesque town and up near the sea cliffs. I stood near the railing and felt the cold sea spray and wind on my cheeks. I could see the ocean for miles and hear the crashing waves.

10 years ago, I was in a bad relationship, miserable and on the verge of a mental breakdown. I was exhausted and unhappy in ways that seemed incomprehensible at the time. It was the catalyst I needed. It pushed me out of my comfort zone and though, the journey financially, emotionally, and physically was far more arduous than I ever expected....it brought me here. I am healthy and happy in every aspect of my life as much as any human being can find themself.

Thank God I took a chance on myself. It was a risk worth taking if only to find myself.

It hurts....

2011-02-05T16:39:00.003-05:00

knowing someone thinks you're not good enough. Maybe it stings because I have never been on the receiving end when dating someone. Perhaps it's because, part of me wants to know they feel the way my family does...that I could find no one better to make me happy in this life. In this case, she thinks I'm not educated enough and I'm possibly after what money he might have. Right...lady, I just moved in with your son fully aware my family might disown me when they find out. I don't give a flying fart about what money you may or may not have. I am not chasing your son or pushing him. He ASKED ME to move in.

All week this has been weighing on my mind and heart. I told Rob it bothered me and he said so what. He has to live with me. She's a snob about crap like that anyway. I don't care. Besides, I still can't believe 7 months later you want to be with me AND share my stinky bed.

I suppose I will get over it. She had better too....

Bedroom Shenanigans

2011-01-22T17:18:00.004-05:00

Getting a roommate or living with anyone else is tough. It takes time to find a balance and get things "situated." It's even harder when that someone is your boyfriend/girlfriend. Thus, the following transpired this week....

I came home from work thoroughly exhausted and ready for sleep. The bf came home late from class and tried to be quiet as I was beginning to drift off. 2o minutes later he climbed into bed. I assumed he would fall asleep. He was trying to get comfortable and started wiggling like a possessed person sprayed with holy water. one minute....two...three....my patience was wearing....four...four and a half...I couldn't hold it any longer.

"What the fuck are you doing?!"
"What?"
"Do you have ants in your pants? Is there something wrong with you? I mean you're squirming like a freaking worm about to explode."
"I'm just trying to get comfortable."
"Could you stop convulsing under the sheets...I was trying to sleep."

"Uh yeah....sorry."
Silence for about 3 minutes.
"Really sorry hun....can I get a good night kiss?"
"Yeah...I'm sorry too."

The next following night amid an intense debate over who's couch is uglier:
"I don't want that couch. The dog is going to pee on it. It's comfortable but it will stink," he says.

"Well, yours looks like a couch from a 1970s porn flick AND it's ugly. We are not keeping it." He turns his back to me and I notice his ass hanging out of his underwear.

"Why you gotta get all personal mooning me and such. I mean it's a couch!"
"WHAT?"
"Why you gotta moon me?"
"I am not mooning you."
"Uh, yeah you are." Heated exchange over whether his ass is hanging out or not.

He finally reaches his arm behind to find his bare ass and his face changes.

"Oh, I kinda am mooning you. Sorry about that."

Tell me everyone has nights like this when you first move in together.

Meemaw's opinion

2011-01-16T15:17:00.004-05:00

Last night I called my 70 something Meemaw for our weekly catch up call. Once a week or more, I call and we talk about what's going on in the family, work, all the things that matter in our lives. She's the closest thing I have to a mom and true female role model. I love her dearly and since I moved across the country, it's our way of making sure we keep in touch as if we were still living across the street from each other. Given the new living update, I wanted to tell her so bad. She is someone I truly consider a friend and trust beyond measure, but I knew it would just cause a huge issue.

10 minutes into our conversation, she started telling me about how she had, yet again, put her foot in her mouth. Meemaw is known for speaking her mind without thinking just how much it can hurt/affect others around her. Needless to say, she had been sitting at the table with my uncle discussing marriage and family. My cousin just had a baby, is unmarried, and living with the baby's father, not an uncommon occurrence in this day and age. Meemaw proceeded to say no one believes in the "sanctity of marriage" anymore. Used to be, wearing a white dress meant something and people didn't just "shack up." Of course, my uncle was offended. While he doesn't approve of my cousin's particular situation, there is nothing he can do to change it. She is an adult and all things considered, he would rather spend time with his grand baby and daughter than throw them out on the street just to prove his moral belief.

I was hearbroken to say the least. She felt bad for hurting his feelings which was good, but was so adamant that doing otherwise was practically the equivalent of murder. I bit my tongue. If a wedding is that important then just wait, she declared. You don't need to shack up and pretend. It clearly doesn't mean that much if you are willing to do that. I could hear the utter disgust in her voice. Does that make my cousin unworthy of a wedding simply because she did not do it in the prescribed manner? Does it make me unworthy of a wedding because I love this man and want to start a life together now?

My heart simply sagged in sadness. She will never accept that it is okay and no matter how much everyone says it doesn't matter, it does to me. I love her. I don't want to disappoint her or anyone else. I can't live my life for her either. I know there are things I have done in the past that have upset my Meemaw but to hear her say those things hurt me. I love Rob so much. I want to spend my life with him. She has declared she will have "to see" about coming to a wedding in California. She thinks we should marry in Texas since all of my family is there (nevermind that all his family is here).

Is it too much to wish that the most important woman in my life support my decisions whether they pass her moral code or not? I'm beginning to wonder.....

A new chapter starts

2011-01-15T16:51:00.004-05:00

He invited me to stay at his house....permanently.

I have accepted.

I am terrified my Bible thumping family will condemn my soul for all eternity now that I have chosen to "live in sin."

I love him. This is more right with him than it has ever been with anyone else EVER. So, why do I feel like a horrible person for not telling my family? I wish they could share in my joy and excitement, but I know that is simply not possible, until I walk down an aisle on my father's arm. It's just the way they THINK it should be. Here I am weighed down with this and yes, slightly sad, that I cannot call my family to celebrate this milestone.

I can't tell them. Not yet, at least. Thank God they live 2300 miles away. I can hold the pre-Armageddon show down for a little bit.

Nothing like home

2010-12-28T20:12:00.002-05:00

I woke up at 11 am today. I've been in my pajamas all day long eating left over Christmas cookies and watching reruns of the First 48 at my dad's house on the ginormous flat screen HD tv.

I have no plans to do anything else other than shower and, of course, eat even more food that will go straight to my ass.

I might even skip the shower....

I know. TMI. Sorry.

pure delight

2010-12-16T21:47:00.002-05:00

Last night I went to stay with my boyfriend who is on break from law school. It was a nutty day trying to get a car situation taken care of, work, and lots of other annoying things. When I freaked out and screamed at the man from the dealership, (I know you all knew I couldn't keep it together!) he simply smiled and said it's going to work itself out, it always does honey.

I got to his place and he said let's go to Target. I need to get some stuff. Hello?! That's like my Disney World. I LOVE TARGET, I mean who the hell doesn't? So, he took me to Target and made me shop for aimless crap neither one of us needed. Does this guy get any better? Actually, yes, he does. He took me around the town to look at Christmas lights because I love them and he knew I had a rotten afternoon. I sat in the front seat like a 5 year old oohing and ahhing at each display we passed. We proceeded to get take out, pop a bottle of red and then laughed at South Park episodes all night.

I went to sleep with the biggest grin on my face and woke up feeling like I could face the world again.

I am so lucky.

Brownies anyone?

2010-11-25T13:28:00.004-05:00

I decided because I was going to the boyfriend's for turkey day, I needed to bring something to dinner. As my meemaw put it, "No self respecting girl shows up without something delicious add to the dinner or worse, with something picked up out of the grocery store." The disgust hung in the air. Clearly, a good girl must bring something and it must be homemade. Unfortunately, my cooking/baking skills have been the least of my priorities, especially since baking normally involves fat and chocolate, my kryptonite.

Nevertheless, I downloaded some recipes and settled on some classics: brownies and chocolate chip cookies. Who could do poorly with such great recipes? I made my list and headed to the store. 2 stores later and 1 scuffle later (a guy rammed his cart into me numerous times and then had the nerve to not even apologize...manners asshole?! Jeez), I came home and started the brownie recipe.

I carefully measured and followed the instructions as noted. Something was very, very wrong. The batter kept getting thicker and thicker. My little hand mixer motor struggled to blend the mix. Sparks from the hand mixer started and I shut it off immediately. What the hell do I do? I haven't baked in years. How do you thin this out?! Panic set in. I could feel the wetness under my arms. I thought for a minute and then scoured the fridge. Milk. Surely milk will thin it out. I was not sure. Fuck it. If it sucks, I will just have to make do with a Safeway pie. This is not the 1950s Meemaw. Modern girls don't have time for this. I took a swig of milk, said a hail mary, and then poured enough in the bowl until the batter had thinned considerably. I followed the recipe and threw it into the oven. 30 minutes in, I checked the pan. Still not done. 15 minutes later I could smell the chocolate and fat in the air. It must be done. I let it cool overnight and then cut them this morning.

They taste good to me. But I'm not sure the palate of a fat girl who could eat butter and sugar raw is good enough. The boyfriend will need to try and then be honest. I am not taking shitty desert to meet his parents and his 70 something granny from Alabama. Granny will surely expect something divine and Paula Deen worthy. She and Meemaw are old school like that.

On to the chocolate chip cookies. Ugh. The things we do for love.

Freak out

2010-11-23T20:38:00.003-05:00

Last night the boyfriend came over after his last class. He's been super stressed over finals and his paper. We hung out for awhile, walked the dog, and got ready for bed. I was so happy to see him. Lately, our schedules have been nuts so we've been playing phone tag, grabbing coffee and then splitting to go to the office, library, meetings and other stuff.

I climbed into bed and the poor guy was already passed out. I laid there for a few minutes before he rolled over and hugged me into his chest. For a few minutes I let my mind recall the last few months. How different things were this time last year. I never expected to meet this guy and now here we are not even 6 months into our relationship, taking each other to meet the our respective famililies. All of sudden, the thought of the impending "meet the parents" Thursday and the upcoming trip to Texas, made me feel panic. I could feel my body breaking into a cold sweat. I was having trouble breathing. Luckily, he was dead asleep or else he would have surely known I was having a private freak out in his arms.

All I could think was this is a big deal. It's what I hoped would happen to me...eventually. I just didn't think it really would happen.

I feel like I might have to be sedated to understand he's not a figment of my imagination. He remembers every detail I utter whether it's work stuff or about one of my girlfriends' newest crisis. I'm grateful and scared. It's been a long time since I wanted to be with someone so much I would settle for just hearing their voice or holding their hand. It's so scary to like someone that much.

One step at a time, right? Details to come on the impending meet the parents Turkey Day.

No turning back

2010-11-22T12:22:00.002-05:00

The boy is flying home to meet my family for New Year's.

Whoa......this is surreal. I haven't let a guy meet my family since I was 18 years old. He has promised to go to church to please my dad and do whatever it takes to convince them he is the nice guy I know him to be.

Is this really happening?!

44:52

2010-10-10T01:39:00.010-05:00

My first PR!!! I finally did it....I ran a 5K. Granted some people might have walked it faster but I don't care. I ran it at my own pace and crossed the finish line with the lawyer cheering me on. It rocked. The sun was shining and the wind blew gently as I neared the finish line. I fought back tears as Sheryl Crow crooned "Sweet Child Of Mine" and thought...I never fathomed I could run a race and I just did it.
Me and the boy after the race this morning

The week was pretty stellar as these things go. I had an amazing work event on Thursday and felt recommitted to my job as all my hardwork and leadership was praised. The big man was pleased with our work and days like that make me remember why I work like I do for a small part of the fashion world. I could do worse:)

The boss man in the flesh: Tommy Hilfiger and models @ a photo op on Thursday.

Third Eye Blind playing for Tommy appearance in Union Square, DT San Francisco.

It's official

2010-10-03T17:57:00.002-05:00

After a month of questioning and lots of work chaos, I have something important to report....I have a bonafide boyfriend.

You might be wondering who the poor man is and if you guessed lawyer boy from my previous post, you would be correct. So let me clarify a little.

After my last post, I was pretty upset. This guy is great on paper and every other way. I always say I want a great guy and here he is right before my very eyes and I can't get into it. The inevitable happened and it was, as I thought, kind of lack luster. I added it my list of why I don't like him. My very dear friend finally told me, "If you really believe you deserve happiness then you will jump off the cliff and let someone love who you really are. He's a great guy. Everyone has flaws. Cut the man some slack. You do it everywhere else in your life. Stop making excuses and do it already."

Wow. Big words for someone who is always saying about absolutely everything and everyone in life: you only live once. So I let him be nice to me. We kept going to dinner and spending quality time together. I told him about work and went on about Project Runway and how my crazy Asian neighbor is weird. He laughed and smiled. He walked my dog on bad work days (almost every day for the last month). He woke up and went for runs at 5 am though I'm sure he wanted to sleep in. He brought me coffee when my days started at 4 am and dinner when they ended at 9 pm (did I mention they were the same day?).

And then one night after a work event, he walked the dog and did the most wonderful thing any man I've ever dated has ever done for me....he cleaned my house. He loaded and unloaded the dishwasher. He took out all the trash and put my clothes in the hampers. He made my bed and picked up the countless shoes that littered my little apartment from working like a Hebrew slave. And then he left. When I came home from the event, I was too tired to notice but the next morning, I cried. Any man willing to clean my house and listen to how my job has sucked and will still walk my moody tempermental dog even after he's bitten you, just has to be good.

So I told him he was wonderful. I thanked him for every thing he did without question and told him I didn't deserve any of it. And of course, he smiled and said, "No, you don't dear. You deserve even more." Who is this man?!

I couldn't stand it any longer. I said yes I want to be your girlfriend if you are willing to put up with the hot mess that I am. My lawyer boy smiled again and said, "Was there ever any question?"

Man lottery. I've won the man lottery.

Will I ever move on?

2010-09-05T17:37:00.004-05:00

It's been awhile since I've posted to the world, mainly because I'm at peak work craziness and I've taken to the online dating world. My travels have thus brought me to a fork in the road and a place where I find myself, yet again, doubting the who, what, and where's of my little existence.

We begin with the online mating dance. I've been surprised at the responses. Seems the straight male population is alive and thriving in San Francisco, contrary to popular belief. I've been attracting attention and been emailing, talking, and yes, even dating the male species, of which I am happy to report, still have manners. I have yet to pay for any dinner, drink, or activity, so ladies...looks like chivalry is still out there. In the last couple of weeks, my social calendar has busted at the seams with charity events, bars, bbq's and all other imaginable activities. I have been having a great time, but in my dreams, my ex still haunts me and not just Frank, but all the other big meaningful men I've dated. I see them attending these events. I want to drunk dial to hear their voice (but haven't thankyouverymuch). I replay candid intimate activities. I wake up more perplexed and have no idea what these dreams mean.

Cut to last night. I've found a great guy. We've been talking for 2 months now. Sweet as can be. Total gentleman. Baxter(my furry child) LOVES him. Finishing law school. NOT a loser. My friend of 15 years says stop trying to screw it up. Enjoy it. 3 months ago you were in tears when your younger brother got married and cried to me about how you weren't sure the One was even out there. It's time to enjoy yourself and being with a smart, funny, sweet man with a decent job who is self confident and thinks you are amazing. Right....absolutely right. But as the night progresses and the bedroom talk began, I zoned out. All I could think about was Frank. All I was consumed with was how much I missed him and how he was this or that. I felt like a prisoner in my mind and body and couldn't wait for him to stop it all. I wanted to cry. Why do I feel this way?! It's been a year. I ended it. So why can't I move on? Why am I still holding on to what wasn't even more than a delusion of my own misery?

Lawyer boy slept over. I wanted him to leave even after I couldn't have sex with him. I played to his sweetness this morning because I felt like the poor guy has been putting up with me for 2 months. After the shennigans from last night, I can at least pretend to be a sweet and doting girl. The man deserves at least that much. Meanwhile, all I could think is I smell like him. I couldn't wait to scrub his scent off my skin the second he left. I washed the blankets and sheets because it was like he marked my house with his scent.

And so here I am:more confused and basically fucked up about men than I have ever been in my life. I'm 29. After 11 years of crazy dating and crazier relationships, I do believe I have passed jaded and moved on to no longer gives a shit. So the question remains....will I ever move on and be happy with a man again?

The truth about forgiveness

2010-08-03T23:31:00.007-05:00

As a young kid, I had a pretty jacked up relationship with my mom. She left us when were pretty young and my dad raised us. It was rough as a teenager and our volatile relationship eventually ended with me not talking to her for more than 6 years. My dad always used to tell me growing up to not be angry with my mom. She loved me deep down he'd say. She was just really... messed up. "Forgive her," he'd urge. "Not because she needs it....because you do." It would make me so damn angry every time he would say that. How dare he suggest forgiveness. If his mother treated him like she treated me, my dad would surely understand how I felt I reasoned. Yet he said it every time she did yet another thing to hurt me. I couldn't understand his reasoning or her behavior and felt lost for a very, very long time.

The funny thing is, dear old dad was right all along. Recently, my mother has been up to her old antics creating family drama and cutting into old wounds. While I'd like to say I didn't expect this behavior from her, I can't say that truthfully. People don't change much and my gut told me it would eventually resurface. The fact of the matter is, given her erratic behaviors, I feel sorry for her. My mother has done and said some awful things. Short of ripping my beating heart out of my chest, I am certain no other pain inflicted in my lifetime has ever made me feel quite the way she has. I realize someone with her disturbing childhood and difficult transition into adulthood is emotionally incapable of functioning in a loving relationship with another human....NOW. As a kid, I just thought she did it on purpose.

It's hard to explain how I've learned to forgive her. I can talk about my experiences without feeling my heart in my throat or my eyes welling up with hot salty tears. I remember the incidents but the details are fuzzy, not painstakingly clear like they once were. These days, I've found acceptance and even peace. If someone told me 15 years ago I would ever say that, I would have died of laughter and said "like hell." Man have I come full circle or what.

I still love her. She is the only mother I will ever get: good, bad, indifferent. And it still hurts when people talk about her and say she's crazy. Maybe she is, but she's what the good Lord above sent me. If I can find a place in my heart to forgive her for all the shit she's done to me, then I expect for others to find compassion, if only because you care about me. I only hope someday she can accept herself and learn that yes, even I, have found a place in my heart to forget the traumas of the past.

Chin hair

2010-07-31T12:00:00.002-05:00

I'm not what most people would say is "hairy." I've never had an issue with body hair, let alone facial hair and for this I am eternally grateful.

Wednesday after work, I ran into the pet store to get Baxter, my dog, a pack of new rawhide bones. I was walking the aisles looking at the variety of dog treats, toys, and other accessories available. A friendly clerk came by to ask if I needed help. I started telling her about what I needed as I was inspecting several new toys. After a minute or two of talking, I actually looked up and at her face. I had a clear reaction of surprise, I sincerely hope she did not notice. She had a full beard coming in.

Now, given, this is the San Francisco area. Seeing a drag queen, transgender individual, etc. is not uncommon just about anywhere you go. But this poor girl, was clearly a girl with a beard growing on her chin. I felt so bad for her and tried to avert my eyes. I mean it wasn't a whisker or two it was enough to make any prepubescent teen male downright jealous. She helped me find what I needed, I thanked her and walked out.

Have you ever heard of Nair, girl? There's no need to walk around like that! There are products out there to help you. I hope someone will drop you a box of that ingenius product so you can feel like a lady again.

Snot is gross

2010-07-28T10:16:00.003-05:00

I hate when I get sick. Thanks to my business trip, I have been sick since Thursday night. I have been sneezing and coughing up crap from the depths of my nasal and chest cavities. I am tired. I just want to stop blowing my nose which is sore from all the tissue wiping and it is soooo gross. My chest hurts when I cough and my throat is raw.

Man, getting sick sucks.

Wiped out

2010-07-25T20:09:00.002-05:00

This week I went on a business trip. All week I was in panel discussions, product reviews, and tons of little mixers. While it was fun, at some point, I just lost interest. I was jet lagged like you wouldn't believe with hardly a minute to pee or just relax. I understand these things have to be planned and productive, I just sincerely hope someone will cut the West Coast team some slack next year so we don't look like cracked out employees jonesing for their next fix.

On a side note....I got caught up on the flight delay nonsense from Florida back to San Francisco. Please, please, please, shut the hell up on the plane and be cognizant of others sitting next to you. I don't appreciate you elbowing me and shoving your ginormous fake boob into me while you try to look appetizing next to the cute boy in the aisle seat. Hello, you admitted you were 45 and married. And you smelled like GNC powdered vitamins and Charley's cheesey sub sandwiches, which I might add is sooo unappealing and somewhat counterproductive to your goal of snagging the 25 year old man with boyishly good looks.

And to the lovely gentleman on the Atlanta layover, thank you for being so darn nice and friendly. You were indeed a good looking and sweet man. Had I not decided to change into yoga pants, flip flops, and a tee shirt with a baseball cap, you might have actually been somewhat attracted to me since I would have looked human. Whatever the case, there are still some gentlemen out there willing to make someone smile when they are on the verge of a hysterical crying fit after several flight cancellations, 12 hours of sleep the whole week, and PMS. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

What is with me?!

2010-07-17T12:07:00.005-05:00

I might have lost my mind last night. I joined eHarmony. They had a special and I thought what the hell, it's summer. I know a lot of people do it, but seriously, I just admitted I need help finding someone quality to date. I suppose admitting you have a problem or need help is the first step.

I thought I hit the bottom of the barrel when I ditched dumbass in Texas. Turns out not so much. I'm 29 and still not sure about what I want in my own life and now, I've obligated myself to 3 months of "getting to know others." Do I even know what quality in a man is any more?

At least you all will benefit from my dating hits and misses over the next few months....right?

Food guilt

2010-07-11T01:12:00.004-05:00

I went to the gym and did my session as planned. All week I have been the ever diligent calorie counter limiting myself to about 1500-1700 calories a day as instructed by my trainer. The pounds are coming off, as is the fat apparently, when we checked my body fat percentage and weight. 2.5% decrease in body fat, 5 point decrease in BMI, 13 lbs and counting. A glorious feat in roughly 2 weeks.

I left, went to run errands, and came home. I should have been happier but for some reason, I wasn't. There's this fear that keeps creeping into my mind. It was a thought at first and, like a virus, it's quickly infected my brain. When will the loss stop? When will my body decide to stagnate again? My mind is contemplating all the what ifs and possibilities that may or may not happen should my body betray me. It's awful. What's worse is, Saturday night is my free meal. The one meal of the week I can eat a plate of whatever I choose without guilt. Maybe it's pizza or a burger and fries from some disgusting place I have been dreaming about. Whatever the case, it is my one designated meal to turn off the calorie counter and fully enjoy eating something I love but no longer allow into my diet on a regular basis.

Surely, this would be enough to make anyone who loves food as much as I do, feel ecstatic. But it didn't. In fact, I felt guilty. I had baked chicken with broccoli and brown rice for lunch. I had a protein shake a few hours later to kill the hunger. Dinner time had long since passed. And still, I sat in my house debating whether I should even get whatever it is I might want...for HOURS. I finally threw on my jeans, grabbed my wallet, and headed to the car. I want a burger and fries from someplace. This will be my free meal and that's all there is to it.

I got it. I plated it. I sat down and ate it trying to savor the flavors to no avail. The guilt washed over me in waves that could have made Hurricane Katrina look like a tropical storm. I mean honestly, who feels this guilty about eating a fucking burger and fries?! The answer is I do. 30 minutes after the fact I feel as if my thighs have exploded and my stomach has grown to the size of a woman carrying an 8 month old fetus. I'm not sure why I feel such guilt. It's just food. Or maybe it's not. I don't know that I've ever felt this strangely about food. I don't like this and it scares me. Does the food torture ever stop?

Spin anyone?

2010-07-07T14:30:00.002-05:00

Monday evening my trainer texted with session times for the week. You going to come in tomorrow to work out she asked. I told her yep, I got yoga tomorrow night. Hey, Ben is teaching spin tomorrow. You should come. It will be fun. I'm doing it too.

What the hell. I figured it was a cycling class and everyone looked like they got a good workout. I said yes, blocked out my session times and went to bed a little later.

The next day I get there and the class is packed. Only bikes in the back remained. I meandered thru the maze and picked a bike. The stuffy room was small enough to give any decent person claustraphobia. A girl if front of me kindly helped adjust my bike so I didn't look like a retard when the class finally started. I sat and awaited the unknown.

Let's see...how can I describe this. It was like sitting in front of the sauna steamer with a pole jammed up your ass for roughly an hour. Yes...that about describes it. The bike seat was so small. Given my hefty assets, I wanted to die everytime I sat on the seat. To avoid this, I ridiculously did the standing cycles uphill, downhill, sprints, etc. This, as you might guess, made my legs burn intensely. A few times, I had to adjust the resistance for fear I might fall off since my legs were practically jello at that point.

When the class was FINALLY over, I looked down at my shirt. I looked as if I had been a contestant in a wet tshirt contest. I was soaked all the way to my leggings just beyond my hips. Christ. That is outrageous.

Fast forward to last night. My ass is so sore, my legs are jello, and I am still exhausted. I go to yoga and it helps. I even get to sit next to a new hot guy who smiles and offers to take my mat back to the supply area. Suh-weet.

This morning I went to my session ready for some serious pain. She kindly walked me to the scale and asked me to jump on. Fear crept thru my body. Damn it. I feel like a little kid when I get on one. Will I be lighter or fatter? Did that cheeseburger stick to my thighs after all? She looked down at the scale again and adjusted her eyes. Oh my God, she whispered. I opened my eyes after I realized I had them tightly shut.

"What?" I asked barely able to breathe. "Did I gain more weight...Damn it!"

"Um, girl, you just lost 10 lbs in a week."

"Are you fucking kidding me?!"

"Look down! See for yourself."

Plain as day, the scale did not lie. 10 lbs indeed.

I guess that means I'm going back to spin. Damn.

Nutritional nightmare

2010-07-04T15:32:00.002-05:00

I have been seeing the trainer for 1 week. I can deal with the sore body and the grueling workouts. I can deal with tracking the food I eat. What I cannot deal with is tracking the calories and nutritional information. I hate it. I have not been able to breathe without wincing from sore muscles but tracking the nutritional information is more like ripping the flesh from my bones without anesthesia. I hate it.

There must be something wrong with me if this is what I hate the most. I get that I will always be one of those girls for which "watching my weight" will be a lifetime vigil. I just don't understand why I need to track every calorie and gram of sugar and protein. Nevertheless, I promised I would do it until our next session this week. 464 calories, 13.5g of protein, 7.25g of fat, 93.1g of carbs, and 47.1g of sugar into the day roughly translates into BITTER.

Damn myself all over the place.

A rare treat

2010-07-03T16:10:00.002-05:00

My crazy neighbor that stalks me occassionally has one positive attribute. She plays the piano. Every Saturday afternoon, she gets on her piano and plays a variety of Charlie Chaplin melodies, classical riffs, and some improvised tunes. Somehow as the notes bellow thru the ceiling and waft down onto the balcony even Baxter can't help but relax in the sun as the music fills the apartment. I'm sure it bugs people to hear the music for hours on Saturday and even Sunday afternoons, but I find it calming and even a treat of sorts for someone like me, who thoroughly enjoys music in all its forms.

Who knew crazy Asian neighbor with slighly creepy eyes was so musically gifted? I prefer to enjoy from a distance and within the safety of my own home.

She's still crazy people. Don't let the music fool you.

I did it

2010-06-27T14:00:00.002-05:00

I hired a trainer. I have been struggling with the same 10 lbs for the past 2, almost 3 months. I always get here. I start to seesaw between 10 lbs and then I gain it back. For the first time in my life, I don't want to lose this battle AGAIN. I know I have a lot of underlying emotional issues that have prodded me along. I can't stand that I've let this beat me for the last 16 years because that's when my real weight issues started. I'm done. I've made up my mind.

I had my first session last Thursday. I have not been able to move anything without wincing in some sort of pain. I hate it, but it's a start. I'm going to win this one, once and for all because being the fat girl for the next 15 years is not what I had in mind.

Pulsating

2010-06-23T21:38:00.001-05:00

That's what my muscle fibers are doing in my legs right now after my speed walk-jog for 3 miles.
I'm not exactly sure if this is good. I imagine soreness in the morning will dictate the answer.

The Neda Effect

2010-06-20T23:36:00.002-05:00

I watched a documentary last night that moved me beyond words. It was based on the death of a young Iranian woman, Neda Sultan. During the open elections in Iran, she, along with many others, opposed the primary candidate Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. During a protest following the scandalous re-election of Ahmadinejad, she took to the streets in peaceful protest. She had no idea what she would find. What she found was a bullet to her heart that ended her life in the streets of Tehran and turned her own life as the personal testimony of freedom for millions of Iranians.

I watched her family talk about her life and persona. She was like any other woman I know today. Interested in fashion. Passionate about life and books. Only the freedoms I enjoy myself and often take for granted, she could never fully enjoy simply because of geography.

I am guilty of abusing my freedoms every second of every day. People value my opinion simply because I am human and intelligent. I can walk the streets baring my arms and legs without so much as a second look, though some might scoff given their chubby appearance. I can wear as little or as much makeup as I want. I can pick up any book I want and read it in public whether it's the Bible, Wuthering Heights, or Where's Waldo without fear of persecution. For this, I am sorry I do these things and never appreciate them. Neda wanted those things more than anything. She wanted the freedom to choose whether it be to wear bright red lipstick or voting for a leader she truly believed in. For her sake, I am ashamed I have abused my everyday choices. Because they are my choices each and everyday. They make me who I am and comprise my whole self worth.

For the family of this dear woman, who is now gone, I hope Neda's dream of freedom of choice for all people, not just men, is soon realized. May the hope and light her life brought to those around her be carried on by the Iranian people as they strive to bring this dream to life.

You smell

2010-06-16T22:41:00.002-05:00

and not good I might add. This what I was thinking as I sat down to eat my lunch 2, yes 2, tables away from an elderly man at the California Pizza Kitchen. It was a cross between pee and moldy, funky dust. I hope I don't smell like that when I get old.

You can imagine I lost most of my appetite since the smell kept wafting across the room. Good God, oh how I wish there had been another place to sit. ANYWHERE, but no. This is just the kinda luck I have.

Just a note: It is not only impossible to eat your lunch while holding your breath, it is entirely annoying. Somebody give that man more than a sponge bath, preferably with some strong lye soap and a bristly brush. People are trying to eat!

SHUT UP!

2010-06-12T09:55:00.003-05:00

The boss called and gave me a review. I'm getting a raise AND (yes, there's an AND!) a bonus. I could have passed out yesterday, literally. It's nice to know you're appreciated when the boss says good job or thanks for all your hard work. It's even better when they say it with money. It makes the ass busting tireless job worth the effort for another year:)

Damn. This summer just got way better!

For the record

2010-06-10T09:59:00.003-05:00

I've never exactly been a girl's kinda girl when it comes to communication. I bottle things up. I don't want to talk about it. I would rather glaze over it and sort it out later. Most girls I know wanna talk about it and make it better, etc. I prefer straight forward conversation to mindless chatter. I can take good natured ribbing and dish it right back. When you tell me that's the kinda girl you are too, I guess I thought you meant it. Which is why yesterday I was blindsided by your sudden attitude and overall crankiness about being your parent's bitch (running their errands while you are unemployed).

For the record, get over it. It was your joke I reiterated to you. YOUR JOKE, NOT MINE. Don't call yourself that over and over again. Don't laugh at it 100 times when I say it back to you and get all crazy on 101st time. First of all, I don't care. Secondly, the whole situation is retarded. Take some Midol and call me when you move on.

Vacation photos

2010-06-08T01:58:00.008-05:00

My older brother laughing at my bridesmaid dress mishap. The damn zipper kept sticking and I had to shimmy into it from the bottom up or risk ripping the dress. This after I had eaten a big dinner and the dress was 2 sizes too big. My sister in law and other brother were attempting to shove me in it and zip it up off camera. I shouldn't have had that slice of pie with dinner.

The newest addition to the family scarfing Mickey D's without shame. Enjoy it now kid.

Me and my dad after our birthday dinner. He turned 67 and I turned 29. He's obviously not so happy about his.

The four most important people in my life: my 3 brothers and dad

empty my heart

2010-06-06T23:33:00.006-05:00

I returned from vacation Tuesday night. Aside from sleeping a ridiculous amount of time (15 hours in 1 day alone!), I shut off the Blackberry, did not check email, or voicemail. I would be lying if I said I wasn't happy to be back in my own home, with my things and my very own space. It's strange though. I live alone with my dog and my schedule. I'm basically content with that 95% of the time. When I visit the family, there's this instant group of people to always spend time with. Genuine people who know and love me. I don't need to second guess their motives. They need no backstory to understand the craziness I am and all to often fully embody. The few days back to my singular life have made me sad for the closeness and bonds only family can bring. I have no family here. When I lived in Houston, I built my own family. I had a support system I could turn to. In fact, I still rely on them a great bit from here.

California is different though. My 2 year anniversary is coming up and I still feel somedays like I just got here. I know my way around. I have my spots to hang, shop, eat, etc. That's why when that familiar number dialed me this afternoon, I picked up. He said hello several times and I sat there paralyzed with so many emotions. I was angry I gave in and picked up. I was lonely and wanted to hear a familiar voice. I was relieved he still wanted to call me because there's still an insecure girl here who thinks no one will ever value who she really is. I couldn't bring myself to speak. There was dead air for about 3 seconds. I hung up and then shut off my phone.

I recently started reading the follow up book to Eat, Pray, Love by Liz Gilbert. If you've never read it, I HIGHLY recommend it. Her newest book Committed is about making peace with entering marriage, again, and resolving her own battle with commitment in general. (Being a commitment phobe of sorts, I definitely relate) In her attempt to warn her boyfriend of just what he's in for, she compiles a list of her absolute worst attributes. Liz felt he should know in case he decided being with her forever was not so feasible after all. Felipe, her boyfriend, tells her a story about when he first started his semi-precious stone business. The dealers would sell these packages of discounted stones. Each package had a few brilliant stones and other less valuable ones with imperfections. He used to marvel at the few perfect stones and purchase the packages with little thought to the other stones. He soon learned, each package always had amazing stones but the value in the purchase was summed up by weather he could salvage any of the imperfected ones. If the imperfected ones could make him no profit, then the purchase, no matter how amazing the other stones, would ultimately be of no worth. And so it was with her. He stated he had long ago accepted the imperfect stones that made her package along with the brilliant ones.

And so it is with Frank. I have tortured myself over how great he could be. Oh the potential he has to be a great this or that. But the truth is no matter how beautiful those precious gems are, they will never outweigh the imperfected stones that accompany his entire package. I cannot change his desire to not communicate or to live in mediocrity. I cannot settle for being simply a mindless wife who bears children and hangs on my husband's every word. While I hope to someday be a wife and maybe even a mother, our ideas of what those roles entail is so different. It would have made the perfect recipe for disaster had we actually followed thru with a marriage.

So, while there are no tears, there is a place in my heart that still aches tonight. I'm not sorry that I hung up on him. I'm not sorry I'm unwilling to accept the package he offered to me. I know there will be a better offer tomorrow, or next month, or whenever. Eventually, this part of my heart will no longer ache and that brings me comfort as I rebandage my wounds.

The last straw

2010-05-19T09:40:00.003-05:00

You gave your notice. You're supposed to be doing office work because of your "condition." I normally sympathize. Normally. But the boss asked you to do that damn report because we worked 12 hours getting your crap done for your visit. For your walk thru. And still you half-assed it. Maybe because you don't care. But I do care. My name was on it and I had to redo it at 1 in the morning after a hellish day that started with email wars at 5:30 am.

I feel no remorse when I say, you are a bad "colleague," if you can call yourself that. You make me angry beyond words because you are not a team player, merely a selfish person disguised in a psuedo-friendly demeanor.

You're a bitch and I'm glad you're leaving.

Happy?

2010-05-15T12:12:00.005-05:00

Today is a good day. I slept in (sleeping in for me is 7 am...disgusting, I know) and had a leisurely conversation with an old friend in Texas shortly after I woke up. We hadn't talked in so long, so we were, naturally, catching up. Towards the end of the conversation, she said something so profound to me.

"You're so happy. Things are finally falling into place for you," she commented.
I sort of laughed.

"Do I sound happy? I guess sometimes I don't even realize it."

"2 years ago, you were working with me and while you were great at what you did, I knew you were destined for greater things. I'm just glad they've finally found you."

Again, good ole water works started. We ended our conversation and as I lay in bed, I realized she was absolutely right. 10 years ago, I had a dream to be doing what I am doing today and here I am. I made it to a place where, no one can legitimately say, I didn't make my dream come true. Now, for me, that still means making it as a higher level executive and leading a division because I am a perfectionist and over achiever. But, never the less, I never give myself credit for the good things I do or that happen as a result of my hard work.

I have great friends. As of late, they have all been encouraging me given my current emotional status. I'm grateful to have such a reliable source of ego boosting (we all need it!), but this morning, it really sank in. It hit me square between the eyes and knocked me over. I am happy. Happier, healthier, and more successful than I have ever been. At 28 to feel this way about my life, is pretty damn amazing considering where I started from. I mean, I hope it continues to get even better.

I eventually got up and went on a run. It was a good way to mull over things since my workout time is me time. No blackberry, no interruptions. Just me, my iPod, and the treadmill. I forget who is next to me, about work, and all things in life except me and that little timer that says 45 minutes. I sort of delighted in the fact that yes, indeed, at least for today, I am happy. My early 20s were a disaster. My mid 20s were a still a disaster but the clean up was coming soon. My late 20s have been clean up mode. Letting those gaping wounds heal. Forgetting the past and letting go of the things I really can't control. Pushing myself to be more than I know I can be instead of what everyone expects. What a freaking relief!

12 days until the last year of this crazy decade commences....

The Divinyls

2010-05-14T00:13:00.004-05:00

I was screwing around on iTunes looking for, dare I say it....90s hits. That's right. I love the 90s. It was the soundtrack to my middle school and high school years and I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the cheesy music from that decade.

I happened to stumble across the single "I touch myself" by The Divinyls. I'm not sure that anyone even remembers who the hell this group was besides me! Anyhoo, I digress. On my 18th birthday, I graduated from high school. My then BFF and a few friends went to our first night club and danced the night away in one of those themed clubs that was 5 in 1. I know you remember the ones that had dance in one room, country in another, salsa in the next, and so on. Stop acting like you don't know what the hell I'm talking about all you old farts! One of the rooms was a karoake one (of course). My friends and I sauntered in and sat down. A rather large woman got on the stage. The spotlight hit and this song began to play. She was easily 300+ lbs. We sat and watched her sing her heart out as she, literally, touched herself and moaned loudly in the microphone. I don't know whether it was the image of her gyrating and moaning in public that made us all uncomfortable but that's exactly what we were. We gave each other funny looks like retarded 18 year old kids do. Choking on our own breath we walked out and burst into laughter. I laughed until my cheeks and stomach hurt. (BTW...WTF with that album cover?!)

It was a great birthday full of laughter and fun. Certainly one I never forgot. I can't hear this song without thinking about a few things:
-that woman was braver than I will ever be. I should note I actually wore a spaghetti strap mini dress with a lacy overlay. Oh yes I did and I had these funky chunky heels to match. How freaking brave would I be to wear that AGAIN?
-I never want to sing and gyrate in public to ANY song let alone "I touch myself."
-I love the 90s: the good, the bad, the ugly.

And the countdown to 29 begins folks...

For all that it's worth

2010-05-09T19:01:00.002-05:00

Mother's day is always a hard day for me. I am not particularly close to my mother. We've always had a turbulent relationship of sorts. We had not talked in almost 7 years before I moved to California. I had a moment of clarity one day and realized our relationship was completely mucking me up. It was pushing me over the edge of all reason and sanity. I was losing my ability to function normally and it had to stop. I went into self preservation mode and stopped all communication with her.

Last summer I decided to try to talk to her. After all, anyone, I reasoned, could change, even my mother. Don't get me wrong, we've had a peaceful interaction thus far but it's just not what a parent child relationship should be. I can't ask for her advice or tell her about my life. She doesn't understand my life and pretty much me in general.

I talked to my brother a few weeks ago and, in the course of our conversation, he told me she had been trying to feed my soon to be sister in law rumors about my dad. Really? It's been almost 15 years since everything has ended. You've married, divorced, and yet still, you feel the need to belittle the man who literally spent his life raising your children so you could run around and act like a fool?

Some things never change. It, quite honestly, breaks my heart in half. I love my mom for the simple fact, I will never have another. But I don't understand her and why she can't let go and move on. It's like she's stuck in the same spot she was 15 years ago. Life is full of disappointments and mistakes. We all make them. The point is to learn from them and move on, doing better because you know better. It's what adults do. Maybe that's where I lose my own way and perhaps all tolerance. My experiences with her have taught me to think before speaking in anger. It's taught me to forgive and yes, even forget, because that's how you get out of bed when someone makes you feel worthless. It's all these things and somehow none of them.

I went to church and cried for the 5th week in a row. I'm still crying all the time, everywhere I go, with emotions I can't even be bothered to name at this point. It's not just my ex, but it's my mom and so many other things I didn't even know existed anymore. I know our relationship will never be anything books or poems are written about. Its almost like that whole idea of a real relationship, after all these years has finally come to the end of the line. It's the death of a dream I've had for a long time that no one knows. That's a hard realization. Somewhere deep inside, I always hoped I'd be wrong. She'd grow up and participate in our adult lives. She would be a shoulder for us to lean on and not the other way around. At my age, I suppose I should know better than to hang my hopes on something so silly.

I came home from church and found my running shoes. I changed, grabbed my iPod, and headed to the gym. I laced up my shoes and did what I do best: I ran. I ran hard and cranked up the tunes. I didn't want to be left alone with my thoughts lest I burst into tears on the treadmill. When I couldn't breathe anymore, I stopped the belt and just gasped for air. I set a new PR on the treadmill for a 5k: 48:48 (11 minutes shaved off my first attempt). But it didn't make me feel better. It just made me kinda numb and really sad. I suppose even I can't out run my feelings, problems, or tears.

Pee wee and Paya

2010-05-08T21:13:00.005-05:00

That's my dad and the youngest addition to the family via my older brother and sister in law. Tell me you don't wanna squeeze them cheeks and give them both a hug?

It sort makes me want to move closer to home and have a little one of my own. And then I remember Josiah (paya is his nickname) still poops in his diaper and shoves everything in his mouth including the dog's chew toy. My dad (pee wee is his nickname because he's ridiculously short in comparison to my brothers) still hounds me when I'm not home before 11 pm when I visit. He sniffs my breath for alcohol and gives me the crazy eye if I've been out with a boy. Did I mention I turn 29 in almost 2 weeks?!

Yeah, not so much. I enjoy my SSB time and having people, especially boys, over without consent. Besides, I get cranky about taking the dog out at 5 am when he has to pee. The moment has passed.

SSB of the moment

2010-05-04T23:26:00.003-05:00

My SSB(secret single behavior) these days is eating reduced fat cheese puffs with a glass of crystal lite in my underwear and a tshirt on my leather recliner while watching the Biggest Loser.

Yep, faithful followers...I'm still single and available. Please form a line to the right of the weirdo sign.

a word from above

2010-05-02T18:48:00.006-05:00

I went to church this morning. I go every Sunday and always hope that in some way God has something to say to me. It might be a "what the hell are you doing?" or maybe a chuckle at my silly mishaps. Either way, I think He exists and aside from getting a raucous laugh or two at me, is indeed interested in my small and somewhat misguided life.

The message was on the trials of life. Lately, as I have mentioned before, I've felt pretty sad and quite frankly, isolated about my love life and the progression of everyone else's path (careers/family/life in general) but my own. I can admit I've even curled up on the bed a few times and wondered if there was much more I could take in terms of bad relationships, crack head work colleagues, and yes, even some of my longest friendships. It's been a lonely, lonely place for the past few months. A lot of time has been spent wondering if all the decisions I've made thus far were really the right ones. Moving from San Antonio to Houston and eventually San Francisco. Saying no to people who loved me and saying yes to ones who have no idea what love really is. I think everything I've done over the last 28 years has come under my microscope for scrutiny. I've really tried to live my life with the attitude of if I think I might regret it, do it and deal with the fear later. Admitedly I don't know if I know anything at all about even myself. If you've never been to this place, I hope you never do. It's a tough place to be no matter how strong you think you are or how much you THINK you can take.

That's why this morning, when the man spoke about loneliness and isolation, I could feel the tears welling up. That's me. It's been me for 5 months. When he talked about how we avoid our problems, I felt pangs of guilt. I'm the one who seems like nothing bothers her. A smile to hide the pain. The trooper at work. The best friend in someone else's crisis. The giver and pillar of strength for others. Yet, I'm the one who runs on the treadmill to relieve stress and literally melts down mid stride. My last relationship was a holy shit show. It was something I whole heartedly believed in and wanted to work more than anything. When it was over there weren't tears or emotions left to empty out. And now they're all over the place welling up in me and on my mascara stained cheeks out of nowhere.

So when he said God had not forgotten me, I just about lost it. Because that's how I've felt. Did you finally just give up on me?

God knows when you're at the edge and ready to throw in the towel. He knows how you need to hear from Him and Him alone. Even if that's not what the message meant today, it's what I took from it. It made me feel like everything really would be ok. Like someone was there holding my hand. And that in some strange way made me feel better about everything good, bad, and ugly that has come confronted me in the last 5 months.

Another underwear conundrum

2010-05-01T20:06:00.004-05:00

Let me preface this with how embarrassing this is for me to admit (yet I feel the need to share).

I had to work today and unlike my issue a few weeks ago, I am happy to report I had CLEAN underwear to put on (no swimsuit bottoms necessary!). As I have said in the past, I've lost weight. The funny thing is when you lose a little weight things fit looser, including your underwear. Slowly but surely mine have gotten a little roomier as the weeks have progressed and my eating habits and exercise routine have improved. This morning I got up, showered, and walked into my closet. I poured over my clothes for a minute and finally settled on a black, knee length summery cotton dress. The weather was supposed to be warm and breezy, perfect with a cute little boyfriend cardigan and flip flops. I grabbed a pair of underwear, got dressed, did my hair and jetted out the door to work.

I got down from my car and started walking to the store. On the way to the employee entrance I could feel my underwear getting looser and looser. I signed in, and ducked into a corner where I readjusted them and then went to work. As I was working they continued to slide and loosen with each passing hour. I kept constantly pulling them back up thoroughly annoyed. What the hell was I supposed to do? I still had things to finish and I didn't want to take them off even if they didn't fit. My dress was way too short for comfort and if I leaned over too much I was afraid someone could tell. I decided it was best to just deal with the droopy draws completely cognizant they might eventually slide all the way off beneath my hemline.

And that's just what happened mid stride.

Luckily, I was walking to my car to leave for the day. Had it not been for my fat girl thighs, I surely would have had my underwear around my ankles in public.

As if I needed to add anything else to my current list of shame, I now add losing underwear in public place without consent, adjacent to throwing up drunk in unmentionable places, and wearing no underwear for lack of doing laundry.

I am ashamed.

The Kool Aid Man is a-comin'

2010-04-25T12:00:00.005-05:00

I won't be angry if you don't ask me to be a bridesmaid. In fact, I will say thank you and kiss your feet. I had to go to the bridal store and try on dresses for my brother's upcoming wedding, May 22nd. As it is, I have a Carrie, a la Sex and City, type aversion to weddings. I get antsy and my pulse races. I get sweaty and can't breathe. Yesterday was no exception.

My friend Bonnie went with me to try on the dresses. At first it was fun: laughing at the wedding dresses, the hideous colors in selected bridesmaid fashions, etc. Which, by the way, their wedding color is watermelon....for real? I, as my brother laughed when he had looked online at the dress styles, will surely look like the KoolAid man and be sweating profusely in 100 degree humidity soaked Texas heat. Anyhow, I finally had the 3 styles my future sister in law had picked and went into a dressing room. No sooner than I had taken them off the hanger and stripped down, I felt claustrophobic. I shimmied into every dress, each one worse than the last. It was hot and I had to adjust the girls everytime, until I gave up and just free balled it in the dressing room. My hair was everywhere and I wanted to, literally, throw a temper tantrum like the 2 year old outside my fitting room. Bonnie couldn't help but laugh. I mean I did look absolutely ridiculous.

We finally chose the most flattering style. $135 (plus alterations)of pure fugliness and bitterness. I equate my experience to Chinese water torture. Please, I beg of all you brides....stop the madness. No one looks good in whatever God awful color you pick unless it's black. NO ONE will ever shorten it to wear else where no matter how much you try to sell it that way. I say this is with steadfast conviction: this is the LAST TIME I will ever do this. I love each and every single friend I have, but I prefer to sit on the sidelines. I'll buy a nice gift and attend your multiple showers. I will smile and do all the things you ask. Just don't make me buy yet another detestable dress and participate in the shame that accompanies this ritual.

I heart Rocco

2010-04-22T21:13:00.004-05:00

One look at my hips and you know I am no stranger to good food. Since my move to super healthy California I have adopted many new tastes, mainly more fruits, veggies, and anything packed with fiber (the stuff that keeps your intestines happy, makes you feel fuller longer, and yes, makes you poop.) As such, I have lost weight. The bad thing is when you're used to literally slobering at the thought of ooey, gooey pizza and cheeseburgers, no matter what how you try, low fat versions just never really stack up.

Today I stand corrected.

I read Runner's World on occassion. I fancy someday when my ass isn't as big I might actually run a race or marathon. Anyhow, they always have low fat recipes and tips for better eating, building muscle, etc. I saw a recipe in the April issue for fettucine alfredo. It sounded good, but it can sound good and taste like crap.

I decided it didn't hurt to try and bought the stuff to make it. I figured I'd add some broccoli to up the "fill up" content and make garlic bread out of 100% whole wheat bread. The results, my friends, was beyond words.

Whomever said it was impossible to healthy food that tastes good NEVER tried this. I DARE you to try this and not want to slap your mama. No, seriously.

Rocco Dispirito's Fettucine Alfredo
-8 ounces whole wheat fettucine
-1 tablespoon butter (I used I Can't Believe It's Not Butter)
-3 garlic cloves, minced
-A pinch of ground nutmeg
-3/4 cup low-fat, low-sodium chicken broth
-3/4 cup grated Parmigiano-Reggiano cheese
-3/4 cup 5% greek yogurt (I used 2%. It was all I could find)
Salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste.

Bring a pot of salted water to a boil. Add fettucine; cook according to package directions. While pasta cooks, melt butter in a large nonstick saute pan over medium heat. Add garlic and cook 2 minutes. Combine cornstarch and nutmeg in a small bowl; whisk in chicken broth until smooth. Pour into saute pan, raise the heat, and bring sauce to a simmer, whisking occasionally. Whisk in 1/2 cup of the cheese until melted. Remove pan from heat. Whisk in yogurt until smooth. Toss fettucine with Alfredo sauce. Season with salt and pepper. Top pasta with remaining cheese. Serves four.

Calories per serving: 336 calories; 47G carbs;18G protein; 10G fat.

Let me just say....

2010-04-19T19:34:00.007-05:00

Men can be such pigs.

I was talking to grocery boy about my nutty coworker. She's crazy and I want to slap her all the time. It makes for good laughs because I have a big mouth and am rarely censored in our interactions. Everyone who knows we work together is always like let's go work together. These 2 are bound to have a fireworks display. We're fundamentally different people and that is always a recipe for disaster. Makes for good conversation and even better drive to outperform her.

But, I digress. I was telling him about her latest escapade with me last week. She drove me crazy with her indecisiveness on setting the account up, interacting with the account staff, and countless other things. I come prepared. I get in, get out, and make it happen. She sort of just "feels" it out. No plan of action necessarily and no ways of trouble shooting. It seems to always end in some sort of unnecessary drama.

"Do you think women have a managerial place AT ALL in the work force when they are so ruled by their emotions?" he asked.

I stopped mid sip of my drink. I looked up and he had this sort of sarcastic smirk on his face. Yes, it was kinda cute, but are you kidding me with that question? Needless to say, the dormant bottle rocket in my ass was ignited.

"Not all women are like that....this one just is. I happen to work with plenty of women who make business decisions with their heads and not their hormones, including myself," I replied.

"I just don't know if that's true. I mean they get all teary and start worrying about what's not really important."

Rocket about to launch. Please start the countdown Houston: 10....9....8....7...

I feel like I'm walking into a booby trap. I choose my words wisely and reply, "Well it's like saying men only think with their peckers and don't deserve to lead or manage people. You would never say that about a man."

Long pause. Deep breath. "It's absolutely possible to be a woman and lead a team without letting your emotions reek havoc on you. I've been doing it for over 10 years."

He smiled and just said, "Well then I guess it is."

That's right it is. This is probably why the woman you will marry will need to be a neanderthal. No real woman in today's society would readily stand up to be barefoot and pregnant catering to your every caveman needs cute or not.

He called

2010-04-18T11:49:00.003-05:00

Grocery boy. He had a huge fight with his girlfriend and needed someone to talk to. We talked about how he doesn't think he can be with his girlfriend anymore. I didn't know what to say. I mean, I assume this has been a long time in coming. I just sort of listened and said I couldn't weigh in. You need 2 sides of a story to know the full scope of things. I said do what's in your gut. Your gut always knows well before your brain or heart.

He seemed pleased with that response. I tried to make him laugh because that's what your friends do when you are fighting with your boyfriend/girlfriend. He was in better spirits than when he called, which is always better.

I think I am in friend territory but it's actually ok. There was no fear to make an impression and isn't that really the best feeling of all when you are still licking your own wounds?

I think I might be....

2010-04-17T08:21:00.002-05:00

a loser. I was invited to a wild girls night on the town. Yet, I willingly chose to go to yoga, rent movies, eat dinner and crash by 10:30. 10 years ago I would have been dolled up and ready for action.

And again, here I am, up @ 6:30 am on a saturday morning when all the cool people are still asleep.

I'm getting old:(

Commando

2010-04-16T11:06:00.005-05:00

I'm a busy girl. I dont have time for a lot of things, like making my apartment spotless and feeding the poor. I do, or rather I should, have time to wash some undies.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am ashamed to admit...I have no clean underwear, or swimsuit bottoms to wear. Yes, I said swimsuit bottoms. I went there yesterday and yet still, I did not wash clothes. Given the severity of this problem, I refuse, absolutely refuse to reuse unwashed garments. I have some sense of pride left. Not much, but some.

I have no options other than the obvious. It's going to have to be a LONG maxi dress and some confidence today. I cringe at my ridiculous mistake. I mean who forgets to wash underwear when you wore a swimsuit bottom to work AND an event planning meeting?! (Besides me)

Note to self: wash clothes ASAP and get a bigger underwear stash.

Friends

2010-04-14T03:02:00.002-05:00

An excerpt:

"Separation and distance are natural parts of the friendship cycle. We grow at different rates and in different directions, and sometimes we are better apart than we are together. And it's tough when your friend has a big job or a great love or a new baby and you don't. Being out of step can be excruciating, but it can also push you to evolve in ways you otherwise wouldn't."

Lately, I have felt isolated by some of my closest friends. While I'm happy they have found joy in new endeavors, to say I haven't felt sad at my own prospects would be a bald face lie. They are embarking on the adventures of a lifetime with new lovers, new jobs, and new careers. It can be easy to throw a pity party and say they suck and why am I so (fill in the blank with any misfortune, negative comment that comes to mind). This small paragraph brought me back to earth. I am but blessed to have these amazingly smart, ambitous women who have chosen me to come along in their journeys of self discovery and life in general. I don't think I ever realized separation and distance are normal when friends are in it for the long haul. From the tears over stupid boys, drinks for every imaginable holiday real or not, trips all over the country, uprooting our lives all over this blasted world, and quiet runs along the beach, we have done it all.

Thank you for taking the time to share your lives with me. I promise to stop being such a pissy brat and remember everyone gets a turn on the merry go round:)

92 calories of bliss

2010-04-12T00:58:00.001-05:00

And this is why being healthy isn't all that bad.

My ass and thighs say thank you.

And yet another way to scare the crazies away

2010-03-24T01:35:00.004-05:00

I ran into my other normal and rather decent looking, single neighbor. I asked him about the crazy little asian woman and whether she had bothered him. We chatted for a few minutes. After I told him about her stare down in the laundry room, he replied quite casually, "Next time just walk around naked. That will teach her to keep on stalking you and not to be snooping around your windows."

"I want to scare her...not kill her," I said.

"Not likely," he said and opened his door smiling.

No makeup and sweaty from yoga. Oh, yeah baby....that's how I roll.

I hate my life

2010-03-22T13:14:00.005-05:00

This is what my morning has boiled down to starting at 8 am:

My 26 year old brother just got engaged to his 37 year old girlfriend of 6 months last night. The wedding is a week before my 29th birthday, May 2010.
My best friend is moving in with her boyfriend that she stole from another girl. He thinks hitting on her friends is ok and acting like a child is acceptable, in addition to cheating.
I am pushing 29 in 2 months, no serious dating let alone marriage proposals in sight, and fighting with my crazy Asian neighbor who might kill me with a knun chux and a chinese star dipped in poison.
I have allergies so bad my eyes look like punching bags, my throat is swollen, and I can't breathe without my mouth gaping open.

This is exactly why my life sucks.

Neighbor mayhem

2010-03-22T01:27:00.003-05:00

I live in an apartment complex. A very large complex to be exact. I pay A LOT of money for it...maybe too much. Before last Labor Day, I had a new neighbor move in. I had no idea my door was slamming loudly. After a heated door slamming, ceiling busting match, my neighbor kindly approached me and apologized. This, was my first decent encounter with her. As such, I made it a point to shut my door gently and be as good as a neighbor as was humanely possible. Seeing as I work anywhere from 8-12 hours a day, not including computer time, the gym, dog walking, etc. I am rarely home to cause noise in the first place. I travel from time to time as well which makes me the person who pays to live here but doesn't really live here all that much. She's come by on occassion since then and inquired about noise but since I don't stay here much I just politely nod my head in agreement and went about my way, trying to appease her need to discuss the noise issues.

This week my dearest friend and her husband came to scope homes and schools for their summer time move. (BTW, I am beyond elated at the thought of having them so close!) They too were not here for much of anything. However, the neighbor upstairs came down and knocked on my door after 10 pm. I opened the door and she explained I was being too loud. My husband/boyfriend was yelling and causing trouble. I kindly explained I had neither and that while I had guests, none of us were making noise. She continued on for almost 20 minutes about how she knew it was me and the other people in the building were annoyed, etc. I was starting to feel my blood pressure rise and working on not busting a gasket as she talked. I restated I had no boyfriend/husband. I work 50+ hours a week and my dog was not going to get any quieter. No one else had approached me or lodged a complaint. She finally left and I just brushed her off again.

Saturday morning, I opened the windows and shades so the sun could warm the house and patio. The neighbor was in the courtyard for 2 hours and I do mean 2 hours staring into my windows. I continued to ignore her and finally, she came upstairs and knocked on my door. She, in her polite and proper voice, called me a liar and said I did indeed have a man in my house. To this I politely replied, "why yes, I do. And last time I checked, you were not my mother and I did not need to ask you, yet alone any other person on this planet whether or not it was ok to have one in MY HOUSE." She raised her voice and continued on for a few minutes more. I leaned down, pointed my finger in her face and said, "If you have a problem, you need to take it up with management. I am not causing the noise you are talking about and am hardly even here. I refuse to have anymore conversations with you about it. Please go away NOW." I slammed the door, locked it and was fuming beyond words. I mean how dare she!!

I called the management and complained. 10 minutes later as we gathered our things to leave, I opened the door to find her there glaring at me and my guests with an eat shit and die look. I loaded my car up, went to the office, and lost it with the apartment complex management.

"If I EVER have this woman approach me, I will call the cops. I pay my rent, dog fees, and adhere to all the rules. I will not tolerate her craziness. Do we understand each other?"

"Yes. We do," replied the apartment manager.

"Good."

Now if I don't post for a LONG, LONG time, the crazy Asian lady upstairs might have attacked me with a Chinese ninja star dipped in poisonous venom.

Just in case....

Soul cleansing run

2010-03-15T19:06:00.008-05:00

I went to the gym yesterday. The weather out here was fantastic and I just felt the need for a good run. I set the treadmill and started out slowly. I could feel the stress and craziness of the past few days melting away. I picked up speed as my arms and legs pumped in unison to The Bravery and White Stripes. I was rounding into mile 3 when I just started crying. Full on sobs. I couldn't stop running and that just propelled my crying. I don't know what it was. I looked like a lunatic. I didn't really care either. Whatever it was I just needed to get it out...to literally run it out of my body. I wanted to quit and I said no. Hell no. I kicked up the speed and pushed harder. My breathing became intense and my quads were on fire. Tears and sweat blurred my vision and I closed my eyes as I moved into a full sprint. I felt the belt slow and threw my arms up like Rocky, literally, as I shifted down to a jog. I was panting and red. I stopped the belt, bent over and breathed in deeply. It took me a minute to regain my composure.

The man on the treadmill next to me looked over curiously, and then continued his pace without so much as a second glance. I suppose most people get on the mill, start crying at full sprint, and proceed to collapse on themselves all the time....or just nutty people who don't address their emotions like me.

I never win

2010-03-14T19:05:00.003-05:00

That's right. Never. I went into the grocery store last night. No hair. No makeup. Didn't care. Lo and behold grocery boy appears. We begin polite conversation. Still cute. Still sort of charming. Nice guy. He makes me laugh. I make him laugh. Intelligent conversation and witty banter. I'm thinking I'd like to get to know this guy better.

That's when I break the rules. I give him my business card with my phone # and say we should get to know each other better over coffee sometime. He drops the bombshell: I'm seeing someone. Sort of not surprised but definitely disheartened. I bounce back with a smile and say, "It's totally not like that. Just thought maybe you'd like to talk outside of stalking me in the store." His face is red. I think I might have actually embarrassed him. I check out and head home. Pretty positive this guy is never going to call or ever look my way again. Best to start grocery shopping somewhere else.

But he texts me saying thanks and he enjoys the conversation. I'm interesting he says and smart. He calls later and we talk for a little bit. Still funny. Still smart and really charming. I am totally ok meeting a nice guy to have a beer with and just chill. Lord knows I'm still pretty sketchy in the relationship department. Women can be such drama and I miss my carefree days when hanging out with friends were just guys who made me laugh and didn't care about my hair, makeup, or lack of girly attributes other than physical assets. (no offense: I just grew up with boys and was mostly raised by my dad. I sorta think like a man instead of a girl 95% of the time.) I tell him hey look if the girlfriend is going to be weird about you having a friend who happens to be a girl, I'm totally fine. He says it's not an issue. He's absolutely allowed to have friends who are girls and like to drink beer and watch sports. (Women tend to think these kind of girls don't exist and if they do they are either unsophisticated, ugly, and likely lesbian, which I happen to be none of.)

I say ok. He's off next weekend and would I like to get coffee after all......to which I reply......yes.
Enjoy the moment....right?

Truimphant I stand (for today at least)

2010-03-09T21:49:00.004-05:00

I've always been a larger girl. Never a size 6 and never ok with that either. Over the past 8 months I have dropped 4 dress sizes. My secret? Blood, sweat, and tears baby. Nothing more and certainly, nothing less.

Today dear friends, after a full 2 weeks of PMS bloat, and literally throwing away perfectly good chocolatey delights of EVERY shape, size, and imagination... I have won.

I bought a dress from my company's European line. The European line is notorious for running small (up to 2 american dress sizes to be exact). For some reason, Europeans don't like to binge on carbs and cheesy ooey gooey goodness. Go figure. I bought the dress merely as an incentive to continue my battle of the bulge. An encouragement to by pass the ice cream and sugar laden treats on my quest to a swimsuit appropriate body (and my health...I suppose). I didn't expect for it to fit..but nevertheless, it fits. I can also breathe, which for those of you who know....can be a feat in and of itself, when you really, really wanna wear something that doesn't quite fit.

I'm so glad I chose to eat veggies instead of fried fatty goodness. Someone out there hold me to this when I lose my mind and want to sell my soul for some french fries in a few days. And I do mean days people.

deep reflections

2010-03-08T04:21:00.002-05:00

I heard a song today when I was getting ready to go out this morning called "Consume Me," by a Christian band named DC talk. The guy is singing about feeling consumed by God like a fire burning thru my veins anytime, any place you invade my space. I stopped while putting on my mascara and just listened. I mean to stop mid-mascara is pretty darn important people.

It took me awhile to really digest those lyrics. You consume me like a flame burning thru my veins. I'm a music enthusiast of many different genres. I have been exploring more Christian music lately and I've noticed something about it in general. Their lyrics are so powerful. Not like others I've ever experienced either....I mean what they sing about truly burns from inside their hearts in a way I've never seen replicated in other musicians. I can hear a song and really connect with it weather it's a sugary sweet pop jingle or a guitar and drum laced rock anthem. Music will not make me cry unless I hear an symphonic piece. I just think a symphony is magical and beautiful in a way that is beyond comprehension to my soul. The same with art...I know, I'm a artsy nerd girl. I appreciate beauty in all its artistic forms people. I didn't grow up in a cave for the love of God. As I was saying, contemporary christian music can and has made me cry though (I'd like to say one glistening tear but that would be a bald face lie). I can't explain it. I've never necessarily been one to jam out to Christian songs, but again, lately....it's really resonating something within me that I don't even know that I recognize or acknowledge.

A question to the void....if anyone is reading: any similar experiences or am I looking at a trip to the pschiatrist?

Sweet Redemption

2010-03-07T00:32:00.003-05:00

Every time I go to the grocery store, I look pretty God awful. Bad workout clothes. No makeup. I mean I don't smell but I'm not exactly looking hot to trot. And it never fails, I run into hot grocery boy.

Well tonight was different. I wasn't planning on going anywhere fancy but my friend called for coffee and I did my hair and makeup. We finished and I went to run errands and forgot today was the last day for the special they were running on bulk chicken at the grocery store. I went in and started doing some shopping and behold, the grocery boy appeared. YES! I do not look like dog crap. He approached with a smile and even remembered my name. He made interesting conversation for almost 10 minutes. He was so sweet and searching for questions about fashion since he knew who I worked for. It was nice until I felt bad and said, "I guess I need to let you get back to work, before someone gets angry." He smiled back and we exchanged goodbyes.

Ahhh...at least now he knows I do look like a decent woman with a little spackle and lip gloss. Mission accomplished. Next task at hand: get the digits. I'm starting to get my old reflexes back.

A collective sigh of relief

2010-02-28T16:49:00.003-05:00

The work craziness is finally over! I am happy to report that even in a delirious, caffeine induced, and sleep deprived state, I rocked it. The big wigs were happy and thought I had a smart way of approaching business. I mean, who the hell could ask for more? I most certainly could not.

And even better news is on the horizon. My oldest and dearest friend from, get this, high school, is considering moving out here with her family. I am so stoked. She and I have known each other for almost 15 years and she's the kinda friend who needs no introduction to your man drama, family nonsense, and other unmentionables. She got into law school and will be coming up here in the next 2 weeks to scout housing, etc. I was so sad when my other super close girlfriend moved away. Don't get me wrong, I was completely happy she was moving on to a new chapter in her life. I was just sad in that totally selfish way when your hiking buddy and Sex and the City marathon watching gal pal moves to the other coast. That being said, no one can replace that dear gal pal of mine...hell we shared some fond, fond memories in the Creek I need not mention:) However, a newer old friend to help pass the time would be, literally, a gift from God.

I'm excited to see how this unfolds. 2010 is turning out to be pretty decent, thus far, if I do say so myself.

heartbreak warfare

2010-02-21T18:23:00.005-05:00

Let me just preface this with John Mayer is a douche. The only man that talks about his bedroom romps is a loser who could never get a girl in the first place at age 16. Either way, the man has insightful lyrics and is indeed talented.

I'm in the middle of prepping for a huge visit from our senior executives this coming week. I was listening to John Mayer's newest single while working on a series of long tedious reports. He says "I dream of ways to make you understand my pain...no one ever really wins at heartbreak warfare....if you want more love, why don't you say so?"

I suppose it was inevitable that I would think about the Greek. He and I were over a long time ago. It just became final because I couldn't keep letting him come back and I couldn't keep taking him back. I loved him. I said despicable things to him the last time we spoke over Christmas because I just needed out. I knew it was wrong but I felt like a caged animal....like he wouldn't let me go. He even asked me, "Why are you being like this? This isn't you." I could only reply this is who I have become when I'm around you. I shut the door the only way I knew how. I thought cutting him out of my life would make the missing pieces of my life come together and make the blurry horizon suddenly clear. But it hasn't done any of that. It's simply left me back at square one in the dating world. Party of one again. No one wins win it comes to heartbreak and it is indeed warfare no matter how you dice it.

I would take it back if I could. I really would. He's right. I'm not that person. But I can't call or email him to tell him that. It would just reopen the door I need shut. It took me almost a year and half to shut that door. See, that's the problem when you love someone deeply and truly with all your heart. You don't know how to say no or when enough is enough. You always think love will change whatever is broken, make it better, or save the world you share. The truth is, it doesn't do any of that. It just becomes the reason why you justify staying with someone who used to understand you and make you happy.

I've spent a lot of time running away from relationships in the past 10+ years, afraid of what would happen. I sprinted at the first inkling of marriage and family for so long it was my song and dance. As the song says, we can get it right, if you lay your weapon down.

I think I'm ready to lay my weapon down and turn in my running shoes.

Ahhh....grocery boy

2010-02-17T10:52:00.002-05:00

He has a name. He is so hot. And everytime I see him I look like absolute shit. This time it was no makeup, wet hair, and yoga pants. I mean who the hell expects to see, let alone talk, to a really hot guy while picking up canned tomatoes for turkey chili? He actually asked me if I had a Valentine. Sort of let it slip right in there. I mean I think that was a sly way of finding out if I was single. Clever. Clever is good. I just stammered and turned beet red. I managed out a bizarre um, no just sort of hung out with my friends and did shopping and dinner. Yep...practically sounded like a retard without a clue, I'm positive of it, not to mention LAME.

Why do I keep doing this to myself?! I think someone needs to take me back to single girls 101. I've been out of circulation for awhile and man it shows.

A hot mess

2010-02-15T01:33:00.003-05:00

That's exactly what I am. Last night, I had the most disgustingly uneventful night of my life. I wanted to have this luxurious spa day and that never materialized. I was super pissed off that these snooty ladies kept looking at me all weird like I couldn't afford a freaking spa day. Hey, damn it....I'm not rich, but I eat mac and cheese because I'd rather feed my shopping obsession than my body. (I mean who couldn't stand to lose a few pounds anyway.)

So I decided to go and buy stuff for my apartment. I've been coveting this slip cover for my couch and just wouldn't fork over the cash. There were too many other things I wanted like a few pairs of knee high boots and jeans and other crap related to fashion. You get the point. I forked over the money, ran to safeway to grab pizza and wine (I know--classy), and relax.

I get home and finally get the slipcover on. I go to grab a slice of pizza and a glass of red just glad it's finally put on straight. I sit down and SWOOSH....red wine all over the new couch. Not a drop in my mouth. I screamed obscenities that I will not repeat and grabbed a towel to clean up my mess. Luckily, the couch cover was scotchguarded so it cleaned right up with out any stains. Half a bottle into the wine, I fall asleep on the couch with a half full wine glass. When I rouse from my sleep some 4 hours later at 3 am, I still have the glass in tact and unspilled.

Now that ladies and gents takes talent. I'm sort of proud and ashamed.

Yogurtland and the hot man

2010-02-11T10:31:00.004-05:00

I heart Yogurtland these days. Nonfat, super delicious, fruit toppings and no funky chemical after taste. Yum yum.

On my trip there Tuesday night (and yes, I substituted yogurt for dinner), I was in the midst of a deep conversation on my phone with my Meemaw about the filthiest hotels in america. Meemaw mentions there was a hotel in NYC that actually left food under the bed for the rats. I said, quite loudly, "That's DISGUSTING!" followed by a really ugly face contortion. The hot man in front of me turned in disbelief and looked at me with a hurt face. That's when I realized he thought I had commented on his choice of yogurt toppings.

He said, "I was just trying something new."

Right...I'm an ass. There was no way out of this one. So, I told him why I had said that. I mean clearly any hotel that leaves food under the bed for rats is disgusting, and fresh coconut on your chocolate yogurt is certainly a wonderful choice. Of course, I would say this to a hot dreamy man who likes frozen yogurt and looks like a running god in the flesh. Trust me. I wanted to die on the spot. I was a thousand shades of red tomato and stammering. What a way to meet a man. To my relief, he smiled and laughed.

"I guess I shouldn't have been listening to your conversation. Tell Meemaw that is disgusting."

Yeah, not possible I could remember my name, a clever comeback, or anything remotely human.

Damn...I must work on man-woman conversations. I have no reflexes anymore.

New year...new me

2010-02-07T21:09:00.002-05:00

Over the past few weeks, I've come back home from Texas to my humble California abode. I had a some serious time off and I spent it with my family. I felt and still feel so recharged. I had no real desire to do anything and I slept and ate what I wanted. Only caveat: it's been a little harder to get back to the healthier side of things. All things said, though, it was great to go and come back.

I've decided somewhere, somehow that I take life a little too seriously. I realized my time off was just so amazing. I literally shut off my work phone and, in doing so, released so much. I forgot what it was like to just be relaxed. I have this little notebook and I write my work to do's in it as the week goes by. I tackle a little each night for about an hour or so on the computer when I come in from an account. It seems to be helping manage the workload. I've also taken to tuning out negativity in all it's forms. I can't handle the cranky complaining of people at work anymore. I just want to do my job and go home to do what I want to do. Sometimes it's yoga/running or reading. Other times it's snuggling in bed with Baxter watching cheesy tv. Some how I found the time to join a charity and start attending a regular church as well. It's incredibly liberating and yes, I dare say fun.

I know things aren't always going to be easy. I'm always going to hit a few speedbumps....who the heck doesn't? I just feel like this time around I'm going to approach it differently. I feel better than I have in a really long time. We'll just have to see how things continue to unfold.

Beauty in the strangest places

2009-12-07T21:33:00.003-05:00

On my way down to the train tonight, I could feel the lead in my legs. It was a particularly cold day in San Francisco that brought wind, rain and even snow to the outer lying East Bay where I reside. I walked down the stairs and as I turned the corner, down the corridor to the train station a solitary violinist played the most amazing song. I looked up for a minute and stopped to hear him play. The notes bounced around me and echoed down the corridor greeting the tired masses crowding into the station. It wasn't a bad day or anything, just busy with people and tasks and such. See, that's what I love about the city. When you least expect it, something beautiful falls at your feet and just makes you smile. It's a sidewalk musician, or the sun setting over the ferry building. It's a glimpse into perfection for just a second that makes me remember why this place has really grown on me. I looked into my bag and fished out my pathetic little wallet. God knows the holidays have made me broke as hell, but I felt an obligation to drop at least a buck in his case. I found one and walked to the case and dropped my donation. He nodded a thank you to which I replied, "No, thank you."

Damn it Elvis!

2009-12-02T20:40:00.002-05:00

I wanted to be bitter and not be in the Christmas spirit. You see, I've worked in various aspects of retail for the past 10 years and the Christmas spirit has been all but beaten out of me. I don't like all the hoopla. Cranky kids, bitchy shoppers, rude people shoving and pushing in the stores drives me insane.

Oh but today, Elvis was singing "I'll Have a Blue Christmas." I wanted to be pissy but that velvetey Elvis melted my black little heart. Damn, he's good.

Holiday cheer

2009-11-28T22:21:00.002-05:00

I'm not gonna lie and say I was in any better of a mood yesterday when I went to work, because, let's be honest: waking up at 5 am to dress and ride the train into the city, to deal with obnoxious shoppers is NO ONE's idea of fun.

Nevertheless, I did get ready and trek into work. I tried to keep myself busy and actually had time for some retail therapy. I decided to try some stores that I would not ordinarily go to. I've lost some serious weight and I want to be able to wear cute clothes that make me look less fat, more fashionable, and make me feel like a pretty girl. Behold, in the dark corner of Anthropologie, I found some bargain buys in my size that were trendy and fit at bargain prices. I also found the cutest inexpensive accessories at H&M, one of my more recent cheap chic haunts. I'm glad, I was able to afford a little something on my tight budget. Every girl needs a little happiness and I was able to find some albeit in materialistic things. A special shout out to my girls in Bmore and the Creek who have taught me there is a silver lining in digging thru the sales racks: you can buy more!

So, today, I got up and with a better outlook, got ready. I mixed my newest finds with existing pieces and made what I thought was a trendy and flattering outfit. I was complemented through out the day. I even found myself smiling in spite of the crowds and craziness. I have hope the remaining few weeks will not be too tragic...at least let's hope not!

Depressed

2009-11-23T02:19:00.004-05:00

I am depressed. The holidays start at the end of this week. I am alone and without prospects of anyone new and appetizing. I miss my ex and all the comforts of someone of the opposite sex who just knows you and wants to spend time with you. I just miss the familiarity. And dear God, all of my friends have SOMEONE! I spent a ridiculous amount of time listening to my friends in Texas ooh and ahh over boys and engagements, weddings, and finally babies. I had to sit at the bridal showers, bachlorette parties and clap and all the other things that go with being happy your friends have found someone. I got the pity looks forever. Your day will come. The right man is going to come any day now is what they said....5 years ago and counting.

I thought when I moved to California that I would not encounter that crap again. But last night, I found myself in that same position as we helped welcome my friend and her boyfriend into their new condo with painting and beer pong. I am inevitably alone again. Everyone was coupled up but me. I had the strangest 3rd wheel feeling the whole night and sank into deeper depression with each beer. I smiled big and laughed loud. All the while, my mind was thinking I hate this. I hate that I am here and alone. I never thought that being independent was a bad thing until I realized it makes most men not want to date you. Seems the only men I can attract are first class losers, married or unavailable men, and last but not least the most unintelligent lackluster excuse for a man in any given social setting.

I've lost all this weight. I look better than I have in YEARS. I have a great job I love, my own place and money to spend...most of the time. So why am I not happy? Why are men not flocking to me? Do I smell? Do I have hot man repellent on? WTF is going on??

Am I smarter than....

2009-11-18T21:39:00.002-05:00

I'm not a what I would consider a dumb person. I know, I know. No one actually thinks they are "dumb", but I have always been a good student, fast learner, and someone who generally has decent problem solving skills and common sense. That being said, how is it that I did not know after 7 months of owning my car, that the engine heat sensor and gas tank had icons that permenantly illuminate when you drive at night?

Somehow, this fact escaped my mental capabilities, and I took my car in to make positive these were not warning indicators before I left for a business trip tomorrow. Imagine how retarded I felt, when the service manager at the dealership simply smiled and said, "Ma'am....those lights are always supposed to be on. There is nothing wrong with your car."

I swear I must be a blonde.

Ahhh....

2009-11-14T12:00:00.002-05:00

There really is nothing like a Saturday morning run to clear your head. I mean who wouldn't be in a good mood after a run listening to Bad from MJ and then some Eye of the Tiger to finish the race?
The promise of Girl Scout cookies I bought yesterday from an eager group of gigly girls MIGHT have helped. How did I not know there were early presale of girl scout cookies?

recharging the batteries

2009-10-28T17:37:00.003-05:00

there is indeed, nothing quite as sweet as vacation. Sleeping in late and laying around all day without regard to emails and conference calls and annoying snafoos in the work day. I am loving it...that is until the second day of vacation when I received an email on my blackberry stating my work box was shut down due to overflow. Guess the out of office assistant that says "Gone fishin'" doesn't mean crap to anyone.

What baffles me even more is that my phone has not stopped ringing. I'll be sure to bug the hell out of you when your vacation comes so it can also be ruined. I mean, honestly, the establishment isn't going to fall apart without and me. I mean if it does...wow is all I will have to say.

When did people lose their damned manners! Could I just get a few days off for God's sakes?

Hell yes!!

2009-10-18T00:40:00.002-05:00

I just bought my first pair of skinny jeans....and I dropped another size. I almost passed out in the fitting room. I haven't been this size in more than 5 years and in skinny jeans! That's like 2 sizes in regular jeans. I'm pretty delirious at this point.

I took a trustworthy friend who would not let me walk out, let alone buy, ridiculous jeans no matter how much I wanted them. She gave a thumbs up and that's hard to get.

All those sweaty nights huffing and puffing away on the treadmill and refusing french fries at every lunch meeting is finally paying off.

Awww....some day I really might get into a bikini. Ok, not tomorrow, and not looking like a Heidi freaking Klum. But someday.....

I am grateful

2009-09-24T00:44:00.005-05:00

After I came home from a poopy day at work, I forced, and I do mean forced, myself to get my lazy ass to the gym. I griped all the way to the car and the little voice in my head kept saying, "it will be better when you get there."
I was driving down the street towards the gym. I approached a stop sign and saw at the entrance to an apartment building just past the sign was a man helping someone into the lobby in a wheelchair. The man in the wheelchair was paralyzed and strapped in to keep him from falling out of the chair. I sat at the stop sign and literally, wiped tears away. Whatever happened to me today, paled in comparison at that very moment. I asked for forgiveness for being so ungrateful for all the things I did today without thinking. I could breathe on my own this morning. I had a roof over my head, food in my fridge, money to spend, and a car to drive not to mention a healthy body to do all these things.

I got on the treadmill and ran my chubby behind hard. Someone like that man at the apartment would probably give anything in the whole world to do that. Thank G I got some much needed perspective. The burn made me feel better and I hope someone else today will remember to be grateful for being able to do what others cannot.

Milestone Run

2009-09-19T17:10:00.003-05:00

I have decided to "train" for a 5K. I say "train" because I am basically reading Runner's world and trying to get myself ready solo.

Today I did my long run. I actually ran a full 5K on the treadmill without stopping. I have never done that. EVER.

I am proud of myself and deserve all 3 pairs of shoes I purchased yesterday. I know, I bought them yesterday, but it was because I knew I was going to run the 5K on the treadmill. It was one of those morale boosters.

At least that's what I'm telling myself. No judgement people.

Visitors beware

2009-09-07T23:32:00.003-05:00

do not ever come to visit me. I know in the past I have welcomed friends and family to trek from afar and visit the beautiful place I call home, but alas I have decided no more.

I'm tired of bitchy, demanding guests who eat all my food (or scoff at it), burn my AC and do not offer to pay for gas in my car, the tolls for driving you all over creation, or get cranky when I have things to get done like laundry, grocery shopping, and yoga.

Guess what?

I live here. I don't care to see Golden Gate Bridge for the 500th time. I could care less about the state of Alcatraz or the downtown night life. I don't want to visit Napa and wine country when my f*ing Blackberry is going bananas and I have a TON of work to be done at home and my never ending job.

Do us all a favor...book a hotel and a rental car. Call me if you wanna do lunch or drinks.

New do'

2009-08-26T22:23:00.003-05:00

I chopped it all off. And I think I look mighty foxy and a little bit sexy. Any opinions out there??

Excuse me, but where in the hell have I been?!

2009-08-16T16:41:00.003-05:00

I am behind the music wave.

Let me just be clear....I have fallen in love with Franz Ferdinand and The White Stripes. To say I heart them is just not enough. Thank G for iTunes Genius. I would have never known such bliss existed.

The boys are now part of my new playlist whilst I jog into the faint horizon in Treadmill land. That iTunes is damn nifty :)

reality check

2009-08-11T01:15:00.004-05:00

It's been over a year since I moved here. The ride has been bumpy and fun and not so much as most journeys go. I was working with someone important today and had a moment to reflect as she checked her own emails and such.

I've made it happen...my dreams. I always knew some how I could, when I really think about it. The day comes when it finally hits you--that thing everyone said might not ever really materialize is, in fact, your reality.

And I stood there for the briefest of moments savoring it. I couldn't help but smile.

Some days I even manage to amaze myself at what I can make happen.

A return to the familiar

2008-11-29T01:15:00.003-05:00

Behold, I return to my favorite way to escape all sorts of reality. I am back to blogging. I have been etching out my niche in San Francisco for the past few months. Its been tough as many might have expected. Alas, I am fine and doing as well as expected.

I am in Texas this day and reflecting on lots of things. On my move, family, and boys of course. I still have nothing figured out in relation to these subjects after all my extensive experience. I suppose that's sort of sad when you think about it. Oh well. For now, I am content that I am healthy, somewhat happy, and in search of something less selfish than I am accustomed to. We'll talk soon:)

Breakaway

2008-07-27T15:14:00.002-05:00

This weekend has been a roller coaster. I am packing up my things and heading for San Francisco this week. I have been excited and nervous. I've been sad and happy and so many other emotions. I was packing up photos of my trip to Vegas, my girls and I chillin at hot spots in Htown, and so many other sentimental things.

I can't believe I'm doing this. I know I made the decision, not just 3 weeks ago, but some 10 years earlier. I wanted to be more than that small town girl. I wanted to see beyond the borders of my upbringing and go out into the world. I wanted to be different. Today is the first time I have seen I am there. I am embarking on an entirely new journey for my career and my life.

I will cry on Tuesday, but not for the reasons some might think. I just can't believe I have made it this far. Here's to the next step, 2000 miles away! Stay tuned:)

At last...

2008-07-02T10:49:00.002-05:00

I got offered the job of my dreams. I am in shock.

I am moving to California. To California!!!! My dreams are coming to life right before my eyes with this job. This is incredible.

It's also scary. I can't wait. A fresh start in a new city. A new place to explore and make my home.

AGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sing already damn it!!

2008-06-29T21:36:00.006-05:00

As long as I live I will never understand men, but particularly the last one I dated.

I fell into a peaceful sleep after my girl and I had this heart to heart across time zones. It was definitely what we both needed to get us off the ledge yesterday. I found a fabulous dress and 3 too many incredibly sexy heels. I was feeling sane again with my number one fan, Baxter, happily gnawing on a rawhide bone in my bed.

Some hours later the phone rang. Thus began the downward spiral.

I answered it in a sleep stupor only to hear him say she's not going to answer the phone again. He realizes I have in fact pick up, and there is dead air for what feels like an hour but is more like 10 seconds.

After a nasty exchange, I just hung up.

How dare you call me and act so righteous! Let me count the ways you've broken my heart asshole for they are many.

And today I have fallen back off the wagon. I ate my way thru everything I could find. I feel sick and pathetic. Clearly, I still have issues concerning him that I have not worked on.

They say it's not over til the fat lady sings. Can somebody poke that bitch so I can get this over with? I have better things to do with my life.

13:33

2008-06-23T23:00:00.004-05:00

I like running. I'm not good at it, but I love it none the less. I decided the other day I should try to shave some time off my mile. On average I do about a 15 minute mile. I know...that sucks but I walk some in between. I set the elliptical to 43 minutes and 3 miles. It simulates running better than the treadmill (at least it does to me and I don't get all scared I'm gonna fall and bust out my front teeth in front of some uber hot man in the gym).

At 40 minutes I finished my 3 miles. Not huffing and puffing. Breathing harder than normal and soaked in sweat but otherwise okay. I think I might have heard a hallelujah choir chiming in the background somewhere.

I feel incredible. I amaze myself.

Devastation: thank you

2008-06-18T15:47:00.005-05:00

The events of the past few weeks have been traumatic not to mention life altering. When these things were sort of unfolding before me, I definitely wigged out a little bit. I didn't realize it at the time, but that's pretty normal. I've had a lot of time to cry. There's been some thinking mixed in there with running, my personal favorite way to get away from my problems.

I've had time to sleep. I had time to party and time to reflect on just what the hell I'm doing with my life. I've had time to be grateful. I don't think I've ever been happier. I understand it sucks to be looking for a job and to be on a fixed budget. I get it. I feel more rested and comfortable than I ever expected. No bags under my eyes or tense shoulders. In fact, peaceful deep sleep like none I have ever experienced.

I've had the most incredible network of friends and family that have listened to me cry about work and boys and money. They told me it would be okay. Things will all work out.

And you know what?

They are.

baste a little more

2008-06-16T22:44:00.002-05:00

He's been calling. And calling. Messages and then no messages.

I vaguely remember a time when I was doing the same thing on his behalf. Somewhat sick with worry and guilt I had done something wrong.

I think I'll let him stew in his own juices a little longer. I know, I know...I'm childish but damn it's so validating. Who said being childish isn't fun?

Deep thoughts from a cheerleader

2008-06-13T15:05:00.003-05:00

My gal pal from California and I have this thing going. When ever one of us feels down in the dumps the other will send an email, a text, or a phone call to the other. You rock. Your job will get better. You look incredble even without makeup, post long night o' partying, teeth brushing, etc. A pep talk of sorts to lift our morale and remember we are pretty amazing people in our own right.

I did one of those letters to her the other day. I found myself praising her attributes and saying her man troubles were a bump in the road. I stopped to reread the letter and realized, hey this is a letter to myself too. Sometimes I forget I am all those things.

Oh, Shibbie. Thank G for you. You're therapy for me in so many ways:)

I've got that lovin' feeling

2008-06-13T00:45:00.003-05:00

I'm addicted to shoes. I love them. As Toni Collete said to Cameron Diaz in In Her Shoes, they always fit. There's no need to lose another 5 lbs. to make them look better.

I happen to have a huge foot. Comes with being taller, I suppose. Makes finding shoes impossible at times and incredibly frustrating. Regardless, I have acquired quite a little mound of shoes in my 27 years.

I know I have too many shoes. I don't care. I have shoes for running. Shoes for the beach. Shoes to run to the store. Shoes to meet boys. Shoes for lifting my spirits. Ones for making me smile and some for making me feel like a sexy lady.

I added to my collection today. 4 incredible pairs of shoes. Mmmmm. Sexy heels. Ballet flats. Sandals. They beckoned me. Buy me. I NEED you. You NEED me. Take me home now.

I don't think I have a problem.....

A word to the wise

2008-06-06T12:18:00.002-05:00

Do not call me at 6 am. You had better be in a major life altering crisis or having your leg sawed off or something like that.

I am not a morning person. Never have been and don't ever expect to be.

I am a monster at that hour so consider yourself fairly warned.

P.S. And call ONLY if you are a friend or family member. Most certainly not an ex boyfriend.

Life after ground zero

2008-06-04T16:32:00.008-05:00

Today I found myself smiling and laughing at lunch with friends today. The past few weeks have been so hard to digest. None of those behaviors have felt normal or even scarcely present.

I am grateful. I can still get up and laugh at life, even it is my own.

People say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I'm starting to realize it's really true. There is life after a shit storm. I will get past this and move on to something and someone else. That's enough for me today.

There are no more left

2008-06-01T19:21:00.002-05:00

tears, that is. I got results back and I am cancer free. Thank the Lord above. I am still looking for a job and trying to figure out a lot of things. I went to Las Vegas and tried to blow off some steam. It sort of worked. I found myself thinking a lot about my life and the last couple of years. I came back home and got this huge bombshell from the psuedo boyfriend. I mean I kinda felt it but I ignored it. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. I am nothing more to him than a decent stand in until the bigger better deal arrives, which as of late, was this past week.

I didn't respond when he said he had met someone. I was numb. Then I was pissed off. I thought I might start crying again and nothing happened. That's when I realized I have no tears left. Not even for this. Trust me, I am heart broken. He called today and left a message. I let it ring and deleted his message. I feel empty and sort of lonely and not much else. After losing my job and dealing with the health issues and other things swirling about me, I can't be bothered to care about anything else anymore.

Can someone press the delete button on the last few weeks so I can go back to auto pilot and life again?

Need I cry more?

2008-05-14T10:25:00.002-05:00

I have been crying off and on for what is now 2 weeks. Somewhere between losing my job and having suspicious results that require biopsies, I've lost my capacity to shove all emotions into the nether regions of my soul. I don't like crying. It makes my eyes swell and my nose hurt. It ruins my makeup when ever I decide to schlepp some on. It makes me feel vulnerable and weak. I don't like the way I feel at any point before, during, or after. I've tried running and pills and talking and shaking and laughing and faking. None of it works. I feel like shit is poring thru my insides and destroying everything that I am.

I wonder if anyone can really understand it. Does everyone think that I'm okay? The night before last I went for a run to try to escape my problems. I had this song on and the chorus kept saying I'm miles away. I sat on the stairs and cried some more. That's how I feel. I feel like I am watching all these events unfold as if they aren't mine. But the truth is they are mine. I'm terrified today will be the day the doctor tells me I have cancer. This is the 4th time I've done this. I mean how many times can you escape the ax before it cuts your arm off?

I don't know if I can handle crying in front of a doctor and nurse today. I don't even know if I'll be able to contain it if it starts. I just hope that today is not going to be life altering or any more upsetting than the last few weeks of events. I'm not sure I can handle anything else. I'm not sure I can keep my sanity or composure. I'm definitely not sure just how I will break any such news to my friends or family. Let's hope I don't have to find out either.

new digs

2008-04-12T00:04:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I went to the store and tried on several different shoes. Lately my tootsies have been hurting post running and I did not want to lose momentum now that I've finally gotten myself into a steady workout groove.

They say when you meet the "one" you just know. Well, the second I put these shoes on, I knew they were meant to be. I actually jogged in the store like a fool. I mean I wanted to make sure they would be ok and all when I wore them to run. Except for the fact that they are NOT pink, they are simply fabulous. I broke them in last night and muddied them up immediately. Everyone knows you're not a real runner until your shoes are all dirty. It's like earning a badge in girl scouts or something. My feet felt amazing and the rest of my legs just flipping burned like hell because I couldn't feel my legs working overtime.

How awesome is that?

SkyBar

2008-04-06T15:16:00.003-05:00

Last night I went out with some friends that flew in from St. Louis. We trekked it up to the SkyBar where the music was jamming and the drinks were flowing. One of my girls and I went to the balcony to cool off. On top of the building patio, I sat on a lush couch and looked out over the city skyline. I have to say, with a cold beverage in my hand, great friends and the open sky I felt pretty damn satisfied.

I have an enviable life these days in spite of the everyday drama. I am grateful I still have the ability to see it.

why I like him

2008-04-04T01:34:00.002-05:00

For months, my closest friends and I have been "involved" in the habits of a peculiar man I started psuedo-dating late last fall. He's done me wrong. He's done me right and all sorts of other things in between (get your mind outta the gutter for once!). I go back and forth whether I should let him be in my world or not.

This morning, after several days of heated family drama involving one of my brothers, I sort of melted down. My dad and I had been arguing and not speaking for days. To be honest, we both said some things in the heat of the moment that got out of control and I was really hurt and upset. I called the boy and we were talking about the whole situation and I started to cry. I mean not a tear...all out sniffles and choked up. First of all, I don't cry much but when I do, it's like a flood and I can't stop. I get angry at myself because in my family only babies cry. At my age, I am certainly old enough to not be so consumed with emotion. It was awful and I couldn't stop. He just listened and comforted me. Then he tried to make some lame jokes in an attempt to get my mind off everything, which only made it more intense. Finally, I managed a giggle and before I knew it I was wiping my tears and laughing at his silly jabs. I apologized for the meltdown at literally 5 am. I mean what kind of person has histerics at that hour but me?

He just sighed and said something like don't you know....that's what I'm here for.

And I melted all over again. I mean who says that to someone anymore?

That's precisely why I want to be with him and away from him all the time. Intense. 'Nuff said.

amy winehouse

2008-03-31T20:45:00.002-05:00

you rock.

you are a mouthy, crack laced, hoochie mama but sister you got some pipes.

At 5 am when all streams of consciousness has faded from myself and the visual team, we crank you up and sing along to Me and Mr. Jones. Because at that hour, you practically need crack to stay up. And what's better than singing at the top of your lungs, "What kinda 'fockery' is this?"

a day to be remembered

2008-03-31T20:20:00.003-05:00

The last couple of days have kinda been a blur. There's been so much crap going on at work, of which it now seems, I am at the epicenter of all problems and solutions big or small. It's really quite annoying. That being said, my head has been kinda foggy and I've been sorta crabby.

I got up this morning and found the strength to shower and blowdry but little else. Okay, so I brushed my teeth too, cause that's just flippin gross. I drove to yet another meeting where countless people dribbled on with their stats and goals, projections, and assumptions. I had a mediocre lunch with some coworkers and then came home to mindlessly space out in my living room for what turned out to be 3 or so hours.

I dragged myself to the gym and strapped on that glorious iPod. 45 minutes later I had sufficiently let go of my stresses. I was drenched in sweat and quite happy to be that way. I don't think working out has ever made me feel that much better. That is until I went to the Gap later on today and bought a pair of jeans. Oh yes. I bought them and pranced around the fitting room like a fool. It's been 4 years since I could fit into any pair of jeans from them. I looked damn snappy people. Damn schnazzy.

I will pass out if I go down another size. I swear I will.

gloss and curls

2008-03-23T10:12:00.002-05:00

Last night my pals and I went out for dinner and drinks. These days I'm so damn busy, despite my ever growing stash of coveted makeup and hair products, I seem to always end up in jeans and a tee. I decided to glam it up and donned a new dress I bought 3 weeks ago in a lovely orangey tinge. I must add here this fabulous frock was a LINED dress I bought 3 weeks ago at the Gap because I actually fit in it...boobs and all. That being said, I threw it on, got some gloss, and high tailed it outta my house.

So I walk into the room and I swear to God, you'd think I was someone famous. My friends didn't recognize me at first and when they did their mouths dropped wide open. The attention was nice, but, c'mon people. I mean I am a girl. I know how to glam it up. Is that really so necessary?

San Francisco here I come!!!

2008-03-12T22:06:00.002-05:00

I justed booked my ticket to San Francisco to visit the lovely and amazing Shib. Oh what adventures await us my dear lady friend. There will be laughter and hugs and mayhem, of course. I can't wait:)

A perfect kinda day

2008-02-08T20:39:00.000-05:00

I arrived in Atlanta last night at about 8 pm EST. I was tired from a long week and had a fitful nap on the plane. I was so excited to get to Elane's house and just lie down. Going to Elane's house is sorta like going to the literal manifestation of comfort and ease, if it existed as a thing and not a descriptive word. Her house has this incredible mix of smells that can only be described as soap, water, warmth, and love. It is incredible and reassuring.

I climbed into the bed and immediately became comatose. I slept until after 10 am which is pretty damn incredible for me these days. I sat on the porch and had a small breakfast this morning while the sunlight warmed my feet. I sat back on the rocking chair and read for a couple of hours with my Ipod on. The weather was absolutely perfect. I went back inside and had the most marvelous vanilla bean cheesecake known to mankind and fell asleep on the couch for the most luxurious afternoon nap. I eventually got up and moseyed around a little more and now I am awaiting a homemade pizza and a cold beer with Elane, her hubby Perry, and my roomie JoAnna. Good food, better friends, and some much needed R&R. Does life get any better?

*just in case you're wondering, I have eaten purely out of pleasure today, fully aware that upon my return I will have to resort to high fiber, low calorie, healthy food. But today, I am going to enjoy the food and just think about it tomorrow when I go for a run, but thanks for reminding me.

Confessions from a fat girl

2008-02-06T00:36:00.000-05:00

It is 11:36 pm. I am alone in my house because my roommate is out of town. I have phantom hunger... when you think you're hungry and you know you're not. I want to raid the fridge.For God sakes, I can almost hear the fridge trying to coax me into a binge. I really, really want to stuff my face and then marvel at the sensation all the food will bring. I am in the middle of drinking a whole liter of water and getting a shower to deterr my cravings.

Tomorrow morning I will wake up feeling the following:

pride/confidence for not attacking the fridge tonight
shame for admitting I've EVER felt this way about food.

Don't worry. I'm not gonna do it. I know I will feel such tremendous guilt it will stop me from fully enjoying it. I just had to get out the actual frustration and such.

I wonder if Oprah felt this way at night when she was a fatty.

Now I get it

2008-02-02T10:39:00.000-05:00

I got an Ipod for Christmas this year and was elated to finally get it installed and working. I started taking it with me to workout this week. This morning I went for my power walk and sort of jog because I woke up at 6:30 and couldn't go back to sleep. Somewhere between George Michael's Too Funky and Freedom (the 2nd and 3rd mile of my walk) I started to jog a little. I hit that wall after about half a mile. You know the one where you feel like your lungs might explode and render you useless. Then it was like someone gave me a shot of crack and the adrenaline kicked in. It was amazing! I picked up speed.

Now I understand why people get addicted to this workout thing. And how did anyone ever get along without an Ipod?!

What was I thinking when

2008-01-27T02:53:00.000-05:00

I decided to do lunges after jogging a mile this morning? Clearly, I was insane. Now, in addition to not feeling my calves I can't freakin feel my thighs either. Somewhere between a vision of slender toned thighs I let my imagination take over and forgot my chubby untoned thighs would burn a helluva lot later on tonight upon completion of such torture. Note to self: lunges burn, burn, burn! Avoid at all costs.

success!

2008-01-24T01:26:00.001-05:00

At long last. My freakin Ipod is functional! Sweet Jesus....I heart ipod:)